Forgiveness
by jenncgf
Summary: The blight ended a year and a half ago, but Fergus has not begun to let go of his past.  He learns of his sister's betrayal at the same time that life becomes even more complicated.  How can he rebuild his heart and family?  Part of the Choices universe.
1. Prologue

_A/N: This fic is from my "Choices" universe. It is not necessary to read "Choices" or "Interesting Places," although much of this fic takes place concurrently with the events in "Interesting Places." I hope you enjoy it!_

_As always, I do not own the characters, settings or histories of the Dragon Age universe. Alas, would that it would be so._

_A/N 2: If you are following between stories, or want to see how Elissa's story lines up with this one and get her perspective, then this chapter occurs immediately after a confrontation between Fergus and Elissa in chapter 4 of my story "Interesting Places."  
_

-0-0-0-

_She hit me._

Blood was pouring out of his nose and onto his clothing. Still dazed, he watched her stop in front of her men. She must have said something to them, because her mage suddenly started walking toward him as the others turned and followed her out. Except for Howe. The Howe walked _with_ her, hand in hand, and they left the room just as the mage knelt down by his side.

_She hit me, and she's just leaving. As if nothing happened._ He didn't know whether to laugh incredulously or shout furiously at the situation.

Intellectually, he knew that he had pushed her too far and said the one thing that was guaranteed to cause a strong reaction from her. After all, he had spent a lifetime learning how far to go to torment his little sister in order to provoke reactions. But she had never, ever hit him before now.

_You never called her a whore before, either._

"She really hit you hard." The mage, Anders was it? was looking at his face, gently poking. Fergus became aware of the extent of the damage done to his face when Anders prodded a particular spot and Fergus hissed in pain. Anders nodded. "Uh-huh. Broken. I'm going to straighten it before I heal it. Ready?"

Fergus nodded, and Anders put his hands on either side of Fergus' nose. A quick move of his hands caused Fergus to involuntarily grunt. It hurt more than Fergus expected. Anders ignored the sound and lifted his now-bloody hands just above Fergus' face and a moment later a gentle light emerged. The throbbing in Fergus' face gently eased and Anders filled the time with talking. Fergus only paid attention to the tail end of it.

"...and now I know what _not_ to say to her. Thanks." Fergus raised an eyebrow and gingerly touched his nose. It felt much better – so much so, in fact, that if it wasn't for the blood covering his front he would have thought he'd imagined the whole thing. Anders unceremoniously wiped his hands on his robes and looked over his work. Nodding in satisfaction at what he saw, he stood and offered Fergus a hand to help stand. "You might still have a little swelling for the rest of the day, but it should be fine now. The break was clean and since we tended to it immediately ..." he shrugged. "I need to catch up with the others." Fergus briefly caught a look of sympathy in the mage's eyes before Anders turned and walked swiftly from the room. Once the mage had gone he turned and walked to his quarters to change his clothing.

When he reached the master suite, he sat heavily on the bed as the shock of being punched finally wore off. His thoughts and feelings returned all at once, jumbled up all together in a massive tangle, and he felt suddenly overwhelmed by the onslaught. It took some time for him to unravel the web and organize everything so that he could figure out what, exactly, had happened in the main hall.

_She's sleeping with Howe? Maker's breath! I can't believe she would betray our family like that. I just … I can't … She recruited the son of the man who destroyed our family and our home, the man who killed Oriana and … and Oren. The man who violated my wife and child, and who killed everyone else mercilessly, down to the servants. Rendon Howe let Father bleed out on the floor, made him watch while he did unspeakable things to Mother. And Elissa didn't tell me; she didn't TRUST me with the knowledge. Why would she do that to me? Why would she hide the truth, no matter how terrible it is?_

_Was she protecting me like she said?_

_Was she protecting HIM? How long have they been … no, I don't really want to know. It doesn't matter anyway._

_Elissa is sleeping with a Howe._

_She refused to come back to Highever, and I gave her time, thinking that she needed to heal on her own. I didn't push her because I believed her when she said she wasn't ready to move on, because I thought it would break her. She was so close to being destroyed after the blight that I feared for her sanity._

_Was she sleeping with him then?_

_Was she sleeping with him while I rebuilt Highever alone? Had she taken him to bed already when I brought my men to Amaranthine to help rebuild? Was she betraying me even as I trained her men, put my people on her patrols? Have I been a Maker-forsaken fool all this time?_

_What does he get from all this? What does he WANT from her? Is he trying to finish the job his father started – does he want to destroy what's left of the Couslands? What is he after?_

_I can't be a part of this. I can't put myself in the path of destruction and hope that everything turns out all right. Maker, I hope she doesn't have his child. I refuse, after everything that's happened, to see a Howe in charge of the teyrnir. _

_What will happen to the Couslands?_

Fergus was roused from his musings much later when a servant knocked on the door to inform him that dinner would be served. He lifted his head from his hands and realized he was covered in dried blood and that his shirt had stuck to his chest. He hurriedly changed his shirt and washed his face and hands before going downstairs to eat alone, as he always did.

_My own sister, my flesh and blood, has betrayed me._

He didn't touch his food or sleep that night.


	2. The Plot

Fergus tried to immerse himself in his duties as teyrn. It was very difficult for him, despite the huge number of tasks that he was handling. His mind kept replaying his conversation with Elissa at the worst times and disrupted his work. When it wasn't replaying their argument, it was manufacturing scenarios of Elissa and Howe together that played out with horrifying detail. Every time an unbidden, unwanted image came to him of his sister and _that man, _he became furious to the point of irrationality all over again and had to sit and sort out his thoughts.

Then there were the times that he would stumble across something that reminded him of his family. Despite living back at Cousland Castle for well over a year since the blight ended, he still keenly felt the loss of his wife and child as if he had just learned of their deaths. The loss and grief were always the worst when he stumbled across some memory from when the entire family lived in the castle; even with Howe's occupation during the blight and the reconstruction ever since, Fergus still frequently found memoirs and family items in random places throughout the castle. He probably shouldn't have been surprised; after all, his family lived in that same structure for generations. It would take more than a year or two of occupation by an absentee ruler to wipe out a significant amount of the family's influence.

A few days after The Argument, as Fergus called it in his mind, he rose earlier than usual. It would have been inaccurate to say he awoke earlier than usual, as he had again failed to sleep. He quickly washed his face and dressed before he headed down to eat breakfast. He made it almost to the dining hall before he heard the commotion.

"Teyrn Cousland! Where is the teyrn!" He recognized the voice. It belonged to one of his soldiers who had been out on patrol for the past several days. The voice was insistent and urgent, so Fergus changed course and entered the main hall. He saw three of his men accompanied by a fourth who he didn't recognize. The fourth man was little more than a boy and appeared to have his hands bound behind his back.

When the soldier saw him, he forgot to bow in his consternation. "Teyrn Cousland," he exclaimed, "there was a plot on your life!"

-0-0-0-

Fergus practically dragged himself to his study after dinner, his limbs heavy with exhaustion. _At least today went quickly, although I wouldn't recommend trying to learn the specifics of an assassination plot against myself among the top ten ways to kill time._ Fergus winced at the poor joke that his thought process had created. He was glad he hadn't said that aloud. He entered his study and closed the door behind him before he saw that the room was occupied.

Booted feet extended from a large, high-backed chair that was placed before the fireplace. Fergus couldn't see any more of the chair's occupant until the occupant moved, raising a dark-skinned, delicate hand that was holding a tumbler. "Ah, Teyrn Cousland," a vaguely familiar voice sounded from the chair. "I am glad that you are in good health." The form rose from the chair and turned to greet Fergus.

"Zevran? What are you doing here?" Fergus raised an eyebrow as the elf in front of him bowed deeply. He frowned, suddenly suspicious. "Did Elissa send you?"

"No, she did not, your grace," replied Zevran smoothly. "I am here on my own." He took a sip from the tumbler still in his hand. "This brandy is quite nice. I hope you do not mind me sampling it?"

Fergus ignored the question and favored the direct approach. "Then why are you here? If you are here on the behalf of the Crows, then you wouldn't have wasted your time sitting in front of my fireplace." At Zevran's raised eyebrow, he answered the unspoken question. "I was married to an Antivan woman for nearly a decade. Elissa didn't need to tell me."

"Ah, so there it is." Zevran placed the tumbler down on a side table and sat back down. "I know this is your home, but please, sit. I do not intend that any harm comes to you, my friend." Fergus sat down across from Zevran warily and watched the assassin as he continued. "I have not been part of the Crows for quite some time now. Thanks to your sister," and Zevran's eyes caught Fergus' involuntary flinch at the term, "I have become a free man. I come, instead, on your behalf. I trust you learned the story of the attempt from your guard?"

"I learned that Loren was in league with someone in Denerim who _theoretically_ was trying to frame Howe with finishing off the Couslands." Fergus hated the sarcastic sound of his voice even as he spoke. _I'm supposed to be a better man than that._ "They hired a large number of Crows to perform an infiltration and assassination job."

"That is the sum of things." Zevran nodded. "I was there, Teyrn Cousland. I was the one who interrogated your guest downstairs. I believe I gave your guard all the information that the apprentice had knowledge of. Did you recognize the description the apprentice gave of the man who hired them?"

Fergus nodded. "Yes. The description fits Vaughan. I don't trust it, however. Vaughan's an ass but I don't see how he would have raised the money to hire an entire cell of Crows. Between Howe and the battle in Denerim, he is likely to be out of money."

"I believe that is where Bann Loren came in, although this would have bankrupted even him." Zevran shifted slightly in his seat. "I intend to learn what is causing all of this upheaval, my lord. I require your cooperation to keep you safe. Don't look surprised," he waved his hand at Fergus' expression. "Your sister is my best and only true friend in this world. Your demise would cause her unimaginable grief and I intend to avoid seeing her back in such a state."

Fergus sat silent for a moment, mulling over what Zevran had said. Finally, he looked up and studied Zevran's face. _I'm probably a dead man if I don't do what he says. This way I might have a chance. _"What do you want me to do?" he asked bluntly.

Zevran looked into Fergus' eyes, searching for something. After a moment, he nodded in satisfaction before picking up his glass and taking a sip. "I have done some … research … on your staff members," he said delicately. "You will find that some of your servants will have unexpectedly quit their jobs without notice over the next few days. They will, alas, have run off to join the circus or have family emergencies that will keep them away from this castle for an indeterminate amount of time." Fergus' eyes widened at this. "Your security is lacking, as my presence tonight suggests. Unfortunately, there was advance placement of spies ready to work against you if the initial plan failed. It appears that no expense was spared – you are worth a hefty price indeed!" Zevran smiled, but the expression filled Fergus with dread instead of amusement. He rather thought that Zevran looked more wolf than an elf at that very moment.

"So you want me to increase my guards in and around the castle?" Fergus sighed and leaned back in his chair. "Will that even help if another assassin of your ability infiltrates the estate?"

Zevran shook his head. "No increase in guards should be necessary. I have a different plan." He leaned forward and lowered his voice. "You will, of course, need to replace those servants who have suddenly left your employ. Many applicants will come to you." Zevran's eyes twinkled. "And, of course, you will need to check their work references."

Fergus raised an eyebrow at this. He thought he could see where this was going. "And whose glowing references should I be giving the most weight? What will be their jobs once hired, _if_ I go along with this?"

Zevran chuckled. "I see intelligence is a family trait. The only references of importance to you will come from a Ser Wolfe. This is his seal." Zevran produced a signet ring from a hidden pocket and showed it to Fergus. "Please, Teyrn Cousland, memorize the look of this." Fergus looked at the signet, studying it as Zevran continued. "Ser Wolfe only uses black wax for his seals. This is important to note."

Fergus handed back the ring and a connection clicked in his mind. "Ser Wolfe?" he began slowly. "Is this the same Ser Wolfe who … spent time in Denerim during the Blight? I have heard much about him."

Zevran chuckled. "You are, indeed, a smart man. And very handsome too, if I might add." Fergus sighed and shook his head. "This is the important part. In order for this to work, you can _only_ hire those people who have been given references by Ser Wolfe. They will be the only ones who I and my most trusted people have approved. Some of them will continue to work for me while they are simultaneously in your employ. All I ask is that you treat them as you treat your other servants – pay them the same wages, give them the same jobs, and generally give them the same attention as you do any of your other workers." Zevran was scrutinizing Fergus' face as he said this. "I want to ensure that my people are protected by their anonymity. Can you do that?"

Fergus nodded. "I certainly can." _Interesting – so the Dark Wolf is actually a network of people rather than a single man. That does explain a lot. _"What you ask should be easy enough."

"There is one more thing, Teyrn Cousland." Zevran's face became more serious and Fergus thought he picked up a trace of caution, perhaps even nervousness. It looked odd on the elf's face. "The next thing I ask of you will be … more challenging, if I understand your current situation." Zevran took another drink and cleared his throat before continuing. "One of these new servants will arrive with an extra note attached to her references. She is to become, in name at least, your lover."

Fergus was so shocked he didn't know what to say. He realized belatedly that his jaw had dropped and he was certain he was staring at Zevran as if he was a dead fish and shut his jaw with an audible click. "You … you want … Maker's breath, man!" He stood and started pacing the room in an attempt to organize his thoughts and avoid punching the elf in the nose. "Do you understand what you are asking of me?" He turned and faced Zevran, who was watching him thoughtfully. "I got married when I was eighteen years old. Eighteen! My wife was the only woman I ever took to my bed. _Ever_." He shook his head. "You're asking me to betray my wife's memory by sleeping with a woman I don't even know!"

Zevran held up his hand as if he could placate Fergus by that action alone. "I know it is not an easy thing I ask," he said simply. "You do not need to become intimate with this woman. You simply need to have her in your room each night. She will be there for your protection. I must insist that she be in your room with you, however. She will be your last line of defense should my other employees fail." Zevran tilted his head to the side thoughtfully. "She _is_ a lovely woman, however, and quite talented. It might serve you well to sample her charms." The assassin accompanied these statements with an impressive leer.

Fergus sat back in his seat heavily and held his head in his hands. "Giving the impression that I am … that might be _worse_." He continued mumbling as he thought out loud. "So in order to ensure my safety, you want me to hire a group of assassins and let one of them sleep in my room? Did I get that right?"

Zevran's mirthful laugh brought Fergus' gaze up from his knees and to the elf's face. "I am glad you understand, Teyrn Cousland. That makes the rest of this much easier to discuss. Come, let us look at a map of your estate. I want to show you the weaknesses in your defense."

-0-0-0-

Fergus studied the woman sitting across from him. Zevran certainly knew how to choose them; this woman was gorgeous, with long blonde hair and large soulful eyes. She appeared the very epitome of grace and femininity. Maker's breath, the woman even had a touch of an Antivan accent! Fergus wasn't sure if he should have been amazed at Zevran's ability to pick a woman Fergus would find attractive or frightened that Zevran found him that easy to read. At any rate, once rumors spread about him and this woman there would be little question as to why Fergus would have chosen her to take to his bed. He grimaced at the thought.

_Maybe Elissa described Oriana to him during their travels._ Thinking about Oriana and Elissa soured his mood considerably. For what seemed like the hundredth time, Fergus wondered how he would be able to keep his sanity intact. He stopped staring at the woman, who was waiting patiently with her hands folded in her lap, and looked down at the papers spread before him on his desk. He ran his hands fitfully through his hair as he looked at the small note that had been folded into the reference from one Ser Wolfe.

"You understand the duties that will be required of you?" he asked. He attempted to keep his tone professional but he wasn't sure if he had succeeded. He felt distinctly like a lamb being led to slaughter.

The woman nodded and looked straight into his eyes. "I understand, my lord. Ser Wolfe sent me to you because he thought that you would … be more comfortable with me than with someone else." He could tell that she was choosing her words delicately.

"Give me just a moment." Fergus rose from his desk and crossed the room to close and lock the door. He turned back and sat at his desk, sighing before he continued. "I hate mincing words," he finally said and the woman relaxed. "Aura – that _is_ your real name, is it not?" At her nod he continued. "I have some serious misgivings about all this." He swept his hands out indeterminately. "I understand and, even to a degree, agree with the wisdom of Ser Wolfe's plan. But I have never engaged in a … physical relationship … for its own sake and never intended to start." He ran his hands through his hair again in frustration. "You are a beautiful woman, to be sure, and that just makes this entire situation more difficult for me. I don't know if I can pretend to fawn all over you and I certainly can't expect you, in all fairness, to throw yourself at me." He managed a small grin at his next statement. "My ego doesn't require it, surprisingly enough."

Aura laughed at Fergus' statement. "It is all right, Teyrn Cousland. I understand completely. However, I _am_ here to help guard you, and that is what I shall do. You needn't worry about me." She stood and walked around the desk, perching on the edge of it as she reached out a hand and placed it on Fergus' shoulder. "I understand more than you think, Teyrn Cousland. My own husband died several months ago and I would never dream of asking you to do something you are not ready for." Fergus had to close his eyes and turn away from her to collect himself. "My lord, I am willing to keep our relationship as an act. I will be happy to sleep on the floor if necessary."

Fergus's eyes snapped to hers. She was watching him, her expression open. "You don't have to do that," he found himself saying. "I have a sofa in my quarters and it is quite comfortable. I will be happy to sleep there and let you take the bed."

She chuckled at this and stood, returning to her seat across the desk. "I assume that you are too much of a gentleman to let me insist otherwise?" She smiled at Fergus. "My lord, I can begin work immediately."

Fergus closed his eyes and sighed again as he tried to push away the building resentment. _It's not her fault that I will have virtually no privacy for Maker knows how long._ He opened his eyes and stood before offering the woman a hand. "Very well, Aura. Welcome to Cousland Castle. I will have the servant's quarters closest to mine set up as your official room until our _relationship_ develops." Aura stood as well and they sealed the deal with a handshake.


	3. Adjustments

The first night, he went to bed alone thinking that she would stay in her room. After all, she had just gotten there and they had not had time to form a make-believe relationship. He awoke the next morning to hear quiet breathing across the room. The lump on the sofa sat up instantly as he quietly got out of bed. It was Aura. He raised an eyebrow at her, and she correctly interpreted the unasked question and answered. "When you are in my line of work, my lord, you learn how to sleep with one eye open." She smiled and padded silently to the door on stockinged feet. After she peered into the hallway cautiously to see if anyone was about yet, she quickly and effortlessly left the room. The door closed with a nearly inaudible click.

When he saw her an hour later, she served him breakfast. She smiled at him and, to his amazement, blushed slightly. When he looked at her eyes, however, her expression declared that she was feeling playful rather than shy. When he again raised an eyebrow at her, she gave him a knowing smile and turned her back on him to enter the kitchens.

-0-0-0-

The second night, he was still awake when she opened the door silently and slipped in. He understood then why he hadn't awakened when she had entered the night before. Even awake, if he hadn't been looking for her he might have missed her until she was standing next to him.

She noticed he was awake and made her way over to him. "May I sit, my lord?" she asked in a near-whisper. He sat up in bed and drew his feet in, tucking them in and indicating she could sit next to him. She complied and continued speaking softly. "I wanted to discuss a plan of action with you last night, but you were already asleep when I entered and I did not wish to wake you."

"What was your plan?" Fergus instinctively matched Aura to keep his voice low in pitch and tone.

Aura nodded at Fergus' willingness to listen. "Today, you noticed that I made eye contact with you and blushed. Your reaction was good," Aura said as she smiled at him. "It was just the right amount of curiosity without any real emotional attachment."

"Fancy that," Fergus said wryly. He smiled slightly at Aura's quiet laugh.

"I can sneak about somewhat, but very soon the maids will notice that my bed is not slept in. Also, you will need a reason to have me accompany you when you travel. I am supposed to guard you at all times and as a nobleman I am sure that you will not stay here constantly. So, I propose that over the next week or two I continue with the glances and blushes when I see you. I will progress to _accidental_ brushes against your arm and, eventually, outright flirting." She laughed quietly again at Fergus' grimace.

"I'm going to have to play along with this, aren't I?"

"Not very much. You mostly have to avoid looking like I'm leading you off to your demise." Aura's voice turned teasing and her eyes twinkled. "I can work with anything other than outright dread."

Fergus didn't expect this statement and the image he conjured upon its utterance made him laugh out loud. He realized with a start that the last time he had laughed, his wife and child were still alive. The thought sobered him instantly.

"What is it?" He looked up to see Aura watching him, concern etched onto her face.

He sighed heavily. "I'm sorry. I just ..." He sighed again, running a hand through his hair. "I remembered ... I know I should be moving on; it's been a year and a half now since I found out they had died. But ..." he shrugged. "It's much harder for me to accept their deaths than it was to learn about my parents." He shook his head and tried to return to the task at hand. "Please, continue. I am sure you don't want to hear about my problems."

Aura looked at him steadily for a minute before she continued. "All right. At any rate, I plan to have the rumors about us begin by the end of next week." At Fergus' sharply indrawn breath, she nodded. "I know it's very fast, my lord, but the sooner we have the rumors started, the easier it will be for us to keep these sleeping arrangements. I apologize that I will be compromising your privacy. I do hope I will not be damaging any relationships you may already have?"

Fergus shook his head. "No, there is nobody." Even to him, his voice sounded flat. He turned sideways and rose from the bed as he grabbed a spare blanket. "You take the bed tonight. I will take the sofa. Your plan sounds like it will work and I will play my part." He ignored Aura's questioning look and rounded the bed to take the spare pillow from the other side. "Good night, Aura. Sleep well." He set up the sofa and lay down upon it, facing his back to the room. His last thought upon falling asleep was how lonely he was.

-0-0-0-

The third night, he asked her about her husband.

"How did he die?" he asked hesitantly. "If … I shouldn't have asked. My apologies." For the first time since she had come to Cousland Castle, she looked profoundly sad. He understood the feeling all too well.

"No, it's all right. I don't mind talking about it." Aura took a deep breath and let it out before she spoke again. "Kristoff was a Grey Warden. He was part of a group of Wardens who were sent to Ferelden to help rebuild the order after the blight ended. He … he was killed by the darkspawn." She looked like she wanted to say more, but then she seemed to change her mind and looked at her hands in her lap. Fergus, for his part, sat back on the sofa while his mind worked frantically.

When he spoke again, he kept his voice tightly controlled to avoid lashing out at Aura. "Did Zevran know this when he sent you here?"

Aura looked at him in surprise. "He may have, but he never asked me directly. It was not a secret, after all." Her brows furrowed as she studied his face. "Why? Does this present a problem?"

Fergus studied Aura's face intently. He knew by now she was an excellent actress, but when she was in his room she did not seem to pretend anything other than her true feelings. He saw nothing but confusion in her eyes. "My sister is the Grey Warden commander," he stated, unsuccessfully trying to keep the anger from his voice. "She and I are at odds right now, and Zevran knows this." Aura's eyes widened in surprise at the statement.

"I did not know that. I have met the Warden-Commander, but only twice and both times were quite brief." She put her head back down and looked at her lap. "I … I understand if you wish to find a replacement. I can get word to Zevran and you can be rid of me within a few days if you wish it so, my lord."

Fergus closed his eyes and tried to control his temper. Once he felt that he had succeeded, he sighed and raked his hand through his hair. "No, that won't be necessary," he said with some resignation. "I can't very well avoid the entire order, can I?"

"It … it is difficult, even in Ferelden," Aura agreed. Fergus looked back at her and noticed that she was staring out into the room at seemingly nothing, her face wearing the expression of sadness yet again.

_She looks lost._ Out loud, Fergus asked, "You loved him a great deal, didn't you?"

Aura turned to Fergus and the sadness was still there as she spoke. "Yes. I still do."

"Did you have any children?"

She shook her head. "No." Her look of grief intensified. Fergus realized that Aura might have been just as broken as he was and was simply better at hiding it.

-0-0-0-

In the middle of the sixth night, Fergus awakened to a hand clamped over his mouth. He rolled onto his back and looked up in alarm to see Aura watching him with a grim expression on her face. He saw in the lamplight that she had something splattered on her; it took a moment for his mind to register that it was blood.

"There was an attempt. I stopped it. We need to keep quiet though. Understand?" The harshness of her whisper was matched only by her demeanor. He nodded, his eyes wide, and she removed her hand from his mouth. He sat up quickly and looked her over.

"Are you injured?" His eyes focused on a rip in her nightgown. Around the rip, the cloth was stuck to her side and was rapidly turning red. Her eyes followed the path his had taken and she shook her head.

"It's all right – he grazed me, but it's nothing serious." She stood and he followed her. "We need to get this body removed first."

"No." Fergus grabbed Aura's arm to get her attention. She looked at the hand restraining her then back at him. "I keep bandages in the room. Your health is more important." Aura's eyes narrowed as she studied him, then she shrugged.

"You'll have to see me in my smallclothes. I don't own breeches."

Fergus frowned. "That isn't important right now. Lie down and I'll get the bandages." He turned and for the first time saw the body lying on the floor. Blood was still rapidly spreading from the spot where the body had fallen and the corpse's eyes were wide open. "He looks so young," he murmured as he hurriedly walked around the corpse, avoiding stepping in the blood. "Is it another Crow?" He opened a drawer and grabbed a bag before he turned to face Aura.

She was laying on the floor on her side, the nightgown spread out underneath her to shield her from the cold stone. She had managed to cover her chest and hips with a pair of towels, allowing a space between where blood was oozing from a long cut across her waist. Fergus winced when he saw the cut and crossed to where Aura was lying down. He knelt and started pulling bandages and a health poultice out of the bag. As he worked, Aura responded.

"No, I don't believe he was. He was inexperienced and sloppy with his daggers. He had a forged Crow contract on him, however." At this, Fergus stopped cleaning Aura's wound and looked up at her face.

"Who _were_ you when you lived in Antiva?" He didn't remember Oriana knowing this much detail about the Crows. Then again, perhaps she did know and never told him. He had never thought the knowledge would be more than theoretically useful to him.

Aura smiled. "Not a Crow," she replied. "But most prominent families in Antiva know quite a lot about the Crows. It is a necessary part of our upbringing, just as mabari care is for you." Fergus nodded and bent down again to finish cleaning the wound, dressing it with a poultice before he had Aura sit up so he could wind a bandage around her waist.

"This looks like it will hurt when you put a dress on in the morning," he noted as he tied off the bandage. He pulled off the tunic he had worn to bed. "You can wear this. It should be long enough to cover everything important." He handed it to her and turned away so that Aura could dress in relative privacy. She touched his arm and he turned back.

"We need to get rid of the body right now," she murmured. "Are you ready for the rumors to start about us?"

Fergus sighed. "I suppose I am. Let's get this done and over with."

Aura nodded and stood. "I'll be right back with help." She gathered a pair of daggers that Fergus had not noticed before from his bedside table and silently left the room. While he waited for her to return, he assessed the damage. Except for Aura's nightgown and the corpse with its associated bloodstain, the room was clean. _It shouldn't be too hard to clean up then._ Fergus went to his washstand and rinsed the blood off his hands, then dried them with the cleaner of the two towels that Aura had used to shield her body from his view. He then took the blanket and pillow off the sofa and threw them on the bed to make it appear that the entire bed was rumpled.

Aura returned just a few minutes later with four of Fergus' "Dark Wolf" hires. She set two of them to work on removing the corpse neatly from the estate and the other two began to clean the bloodstain from the floor. Within thirty minutes, the room was spotless again and the men all left as quietly as they came.

Once they were out the door, Fergus slumped down onto the sofa. Aura sat down beside him and leaned her head back so that she was looking at the ceiling.

"Tell me more about the contract," Fergus said idly while he tried to relax.

Aura made a small noise in her throat. "It was forged, as I mentioned. The forger only had a copy of the Master/Client contract, and not the instructions that would normally go to the assassin. It was signed," and here Aura hesitated, "it was signed with Nathaniel Howe's name."

Fergus bristled. "Are you _positive_ that it's a forgery?" In response, Aura stood and crossed to the bed to pull something from under her pillow. She brought it back and gave it to Fergus. "Look at the seal at the bottom," she said.

Fergus opened the scroll and looked at it. At first, it looked like a valid seal. Then he thought about it; something didn't seem right. He looked at it again. "Why would Howe use Amaranthine's seal and not the family seal?" he wondered aloud.

"Because the forger couldn't get his hands on the Howe signet ring," Aura replied. Fergus eyed her speculatively. "When Zevran told me I would take this job he had me memorize the major Ferelden nobility's heraldries," she explained. "If memory serves, that's not even correct for Amaranthine's seal."

Fergus looked at it again. "You're right," he breathed. "The bear is there, but the shield is wrong. It isn't sectioned off like the real signet."

"I thought so," Aura said quietly. "There are other details incorrect in this contract, but that's the most obvious. Someone wants to pit you and the Howes against each other."

"As if there wasn't enough family history already," Fergus sighed as he handed the contract back to Aura. He let his head flop backward until it rested against the sofa.

They both sat in silence for a few moments, then Aura stood. She held out a hand for Fergus. "We're going to have to both sleep in the bed now to make it believable," she said. She grinned at Fergus' incredulous stare. "We can draw an invisible line down the middle if you'd like?"

Fergus snorted. "All right, but you'd better not cross it to put cold feet against my shins. I _hate_ that." He let Aura help him up as she chuckled and they went to bed to try to sleep a few hours.

-0-0-0-

It was the twelfth day of Aura's employment. She had already sneaked into Fergus' room for the night and they were sitting on the sofa, having a nightcap before they went to sleep.

"It's official," Aura announced in her we're-talking-so-we-won't-be-overheard voice. "I was surrounded by a group of servants today, and they were all giggling as they asked me how you and I were getting along." She smiled as Fergus groaned.

"I don't even know what to say to that." Fergus rubbed his eyes and took another sip of the brandy he had poured himself.

Aura's eyes twinkled. "You don't need to say anything. Anyway," she added nonchalantly, "if you ever _do_ decide you want to fool around with the staff, you will have no lack of offers. I told them that you were _amazing_ in bed."

Fergus started choking on his brandy and Aura had to thump on his back to get him to calm down. When he finally could breathe easily again, he glared at her. She looked back at him with a grin. "If I am going to not have sex with the teyrn of Highever, it's going to be really _good_ sex I'm not having."

Fergus groaned again. "Great. No pressure or anything." He swirled the brandy in his snifter as his thoughts drifted. "I … may I ask a personal question?"

Aura looked surprised. "Certainly, my lord. What do you wish to ask?"

Fergus stared at his glass as he decided how to ask. "How do you do it? How do you manage to act normally since Kristoff …?" He looked up at her to see her watching him intently. "I feel like it's all I can do to get up in the morning. How do you manage to do all … this and interact with people?" He waved his hand aimlessly in an effort to indicate the room, the castle, everything.

Aura sighed and put her glass down on the table in front of her. She then sat sideways on the sofa and looked directly at Fergus. "It's not easy being married to a Grey Warden, especially during a blight. Every time he left to go on a mission, we tried to prepare as if it was the last time we would see each other." She sighed quietly before continuing. "There were times when it felt like my world was ending, because I would go weeks without knowing where he was or what he was doing. In order to keep the marriage going, I had to learn to live my life when he wasn't there and always be ready for the worst, even while I was hoping to have him come back to me." She looked down. "It can be lonely, incredibly so. Several of the other wives … they forgot why our husbands had to do this. Their marriages were falling apart because they couldn't understand, couldn't support the men who were trying to protect all of Thedas from the darkspawn."

Fergus put his snifter down and turned to face Aura. "That's … I'm sorry, Aura." He felt terrible for asking his question now.

Aura looked up at Fergus. When she saw his face, she leaned forward and patted his knee before straightening up. "Don't feel badly," she said. "Kristoff and I discussed this before we got married. We both decided that our relationship was worth the waiting and not knowing." She leaned over and picked her glass up. "When he was home, he was completely there with me, and that helped tremendously." She took a sip before lowing her glass. "I … well, in a way, it was a relief when he died. I knew that the waiting was over and I knew that he died doing the only thing that was important enough to him to drag him away from me." She considered her glass a moment, then lifted it again and drained it in one long drink. She set the glass back on the table and then looked Fergus straight in the eye. "Looking back, I would do it all again in a heartbeat. Knowing that makes me realize that I can face each day and live as best I can."

Fergus looked back at her, impressed. Still, a niggling question surfaced in his mind and would not rest until he asked it. "Do you think you'll ever get married again?"

Aura looked surprised. "Anything is possible, of course, but …" she thought for a moment then shook her head. "No. I don't believe I will. I don't see how I can ever marry again. I got lucky the first time, and shared an amazing connection with the man I married. I find it hard to believe that I will ever be that lucky again."

Fergus nodded and the pair lapsed into silence. He finished his brandy and they got into bed, each taking a side of the bed with an arm's length distance between them.

"Good night, Aura."

"Good night, my lord."


	4. From Denial to Anger

_A/N: For those interested in timeline/alternate perspectives, the end of this chapter leads into the important events in chapter 17 of my story "Interesting Places." Thanks!_

-0-0-0-

He stood in front of the door as he chewed his lip. He frowned as he turned to walk away, then changed his mind. He changed it again as he reached for the door latch and paused with his hand just barely touching the handle.

"It's just a room," he tried to reassure himself. His voice lacked any sort of conviction whatsoever. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Just go in, get the blasted book, and get out. No problem. You even remember which shelf it's on." Still, his hand traitorously refused to comply with his mental command to proceed. He looked at the door and willed it to open on its own even as he internally debated whether or not he really wanted the book after all. He sighed. Damn it all, he really did.

"Just DO it." He squared his shoulders and compelled his hand to complete its journey. The door swung open and he forced one foot, then the other, to carry him into the room.

_Their_ room.

The room he had shared with Oriana and Oren. The room that had housed his family for the largest part of a decade. This was the first time he entered it since he had left for Ostagar. The thought made him shiver involuntarily.

Now that he was in the room, he gazed upon the bookshelves across from the doorway. He just couldn't look at the room itself. There were too many things he wasn't ready to remember. He spotted the book in question, right on the shelf where he expected it, and purposefully narrowed his focus to its spine. Suddenly he couldn't move fast enough; he strode across the room, grabbed the book, and turned and left, shutting the door behind him with a solid 'thunk'.

_When did my legs start to shake?_ He leaned against the wall and shut his eyes. _Breathe in, relax. Breathe out, relax. Let it out. You did it. It's done. You're out now. _He put his free hand over his eyes as he willed his body to settle. Several minutes later, he shifted his weight forward so that he was no longer using the wall for support and stumbled to the master bedroom. He fell into the chair that was closest to the door and stared unseeing at the book clasped tightly in his hand.

"I just had to read my favorite book today." He heard the wry twist in his voice and grimaced to himself. "Well, I've got it now. I might as well read it." He opened the cover and looked down.

It was the wrong book.

It took him a moment to register the flowing script inscribed within its pages. Once his mind acknowledged the text he was seeing, he slammed the book shut and barely restrained himself from throwing it across the room. "Why did it have to be _that_ one?" He dropped the volume on the floor and leaned forward to put his head in his hands. His vision blurred as he whispered his wife's name. "Why would she put her journal on the family's bookshelves?"

_Why?_

Why, indeed?

Was it a punishment? Had he done some wrong, committed some grievous sin, and this was the Maker's way of restoring balance? Or was it just an accident, a coincidence that caused harm only incidentally?

Or … Was it a sign?

Was there some information within, some message that the Maker wanted to send him? Was there something that Oriana had wanted to tell him from the Fade and beyond?

There was only one way to find out. Fergus wiped his eyes with his sleeve and carefully picked up Oriana's journal. He opened it again and began to read.

-0-0-0-

Aura suddenly appeared in front of his face. Fergus tilted his head to one side. "There'sss two of you," he slurred. "When'd your twin show up?" He grinned at her as both of her shook her head.

Aura held an empty bottle in front of him. "Did you drink all of this?" She asked him. He liked how both of her spoke in unison. She sounded like only one person.

"Nope." He shook his head, then did it again. Everything looked really interesting that way, what with the room spinning and all. "Spilled ssome. 'S when I ssstopped using a glasss." He frowned. "Dunno where the glasss went." He started to lean forward to look for it, but Aura put her hand on his shoulder and kept him from leaning. "Can you get me more? I tried but I fell." It had taken _forever_ to get back in his chair, too.

"I think you've had enough, my lord."

"Call me Fergusss. Yer my … my ..." he waved his hand around as he tried to think of the word. Hey, that was _fascinating_. There was this streak that followed his hand wherever it went.

"Friend?" Aura's voice broke through his contemplation. He couldn't tell if she sounded amused or exasperated.

"Yess, that!" Fergus stopped watching his hand and looked to where both of Aura was standing. Hey, there was a third Aura there. Even prettier. "I haven't had 'nough yet." He shook his head solemnly and tried to speak clearly. "I ssstill remember." He pointed at the middle Aura. "Tripletsss!"

All three of her frowned and knelt in front of him. "What are you trying to forget, Fergus?" He tilted his head again and her heads moved – they rotated around the center Aura. How in all of Thedas did they manage do to that? He tilted his head to the other side. Her heads moved again, rotating around the center.

"She … I ..." He paused and tried again. "Found her journal. She wasss..." The memory of what he read was too much to bear, and despite himself, he started sobbing. "Baby," he gasped out somehow. "She wasss … didn't get the chance ..." He lurched forward. "Gonna be sick."

The next thing he knew, he was leaning over a chamberpot and emptying the contents of his stomach violently into it. He was pretty sure that his stomach accompanied its contents; at least that's what it felt like. When he had nothing left to expel, he leaned back and a damp cloth magically appeared and started to clean his face. The cloth felt cool and comforting, so he closed his eyes and let it remove the heat and tears and yuck from him.

"Stay here a moment." It was Aura's voice. He did as he was told and sat on his heels while he kept his eyes closed.

"Rinse your mouth out before you drink." He opened his eyes to see a glass in front of him. He took it and carefully lifted the glass to his face to take in a bit of the water inside. He swished the water around then spit it out into the chamberpot, then took a small sip. His stomach rebelled, but the water managed to stay down, so he took another small sip before the glass disappeared from his hands. Aura's faces loomed before him again. He tried to focus on her eyes, but it was really difficult. They kept moving.

"Were you trying to say that Oriana was pregnant when she died?" Aura's voice was quiet now, and sad. He could only nod as he curled in on himself and started sobbing again. He felt Aura's arms surround and rock him as his body jerked and shook from the force of his emotion.

-0-0-0-

"Ugh."

His head hurt. His throat hurt. His stomach … yes, that hurt too, if the snarling pack of mabari tearing it apart from the inside was any indication. He wasn't sure and didn't want to investigate too closely, but he thought that maybe even his toenails hurt. He tried to open his eyes. That was a _terrible_ idea. He rolled over, slowly, and pulled his blankets over his head to block out the light.

"Fergus?" He merely grunted at Aura. Maybe she would go away if he pretended she wasn't there. He burrowed more into his blankets and tried to go back to sleep.

"Fergus." Aura's voice was louder now. He gasped with the pain of her voice bouncing around in his head, each bounce slamming off the sides of his skull as if it had nothing better to do than jump at full energy all day. "You have to get up now. I've brought breakfast."

He groaned. It was a long, pitiful sound which only increased the pain in his skull. He tried to get up, but it took a few attempts before he finally drew his legs underneath him, tilting his behind up in the air, and then feebly pushed his arms underneath his torso so that he could crawl legs-first off the bed. Somehow, and he never did figure out how, he managed to become almost vertical and he shuffled over to the small table in his quarters. "I don't think I can eat," he said in a near-whisper. Anything louder would have caused him agony. "I think I lost my stomach sometime last night."

Aura poured some tea and took the cover off the breakfast dish. The smell of food hit Fergus' nose and his stomach lurched as all the mabari tried to escape it at once, but thankfully they were unsuccessful. He put some sugar in his tea and waited for it to cool while he gave the porridge in front of him the evil eye. "Do you remember anything from last night?" she asked him. Mercifully, she kept her voice quiet and low. Fergus looked at her in gratitude as he tried to decide whether the porridge would come back up painfully.

"I remember making an ass of myself," he muttered. He could hear the disgust in his own voice. "I hardly ever drink. I should have known better." Carefully, he took a spooned a tiny bit of porridge into his mouth and swallowed it. The first bite didn't come back up immediately, which he considered a minor miracle unto itself. He decided to risk a second bite. After all, he hadn't eaten since breakfast on the previous day.

"It could have been worse," Aura replied. "At least there was no groping involved." She smiled at him as he looked at her with a raised eyebrow. He would have shaken his head, but he feared that it might come off if he did that, so he settled for a snort as he tested his tea. Now _that_ felt almost soothing when he swallowed some. His stomach started to settle down. She smiled again. "I put a little ginger in the tea. It seems to help with stomach upset."

"Thank you." He managed a small smile. "It's much better already. The flavor isn't too bad either." He lifted the cup to his lips again and took a larger drink before setting the cup down. "Thank you for taking care of me last night. I know I was a mess, and you went beyond the call of duty." A thought occurred to him. "Did you see a book lying around?" He realized that in his drunken state he could very well have destroyed Oriana's journal. "It was medium size, with a brown cover."

Aura nodded. "I did, and I put it on top of the bookshelf." Fergus released the breath he didn't realize he'd been hodling and relaxed a little bit. Aura saw this and asked, "It was important, I guess?"

Fergus gulped and closed his eyes. "It was my wife's journal." His voice sounded hollow and lifeless. "She … I found it by accident and read it. I found out … she ..."

He felt warmth on the back of his hand and opened his eyes. Aura had placed her hand over his. "You told me last night," she said. He looked up at her and saw his own pain mirrored in her eyes. "I'm sorry. It must have been quite a shock."

Fergus looked back down and studied the bowl in front of him. "It was," he admitted. "We had our son, but we had been trying to have another child for a long time. They kept … there were a lot of miscarriages." He heard her gasp and closed his eyes again. "Her journal said she'd just only found out and that the healer said there was a good chance that this time it would take." To cover his anguish, he spooned himself another bite of porridge and let the spoon rest in his hand. "She was going to tell me when I got back from Ostagar." He hurriedly shoved the spoon into his mouth so he wouldn't say more and make a fool of himself yet again. He hadn't been enthusiastic about eating before, but now the food tasted like ash in his mouth. He put the spoon down and lifted his teacup, draining it in one long gulp. The tea was still a bit too hot in his mouth, but he didn't care. The pain of being almost-burnt was a welcome distraction from everything else.

"Can I ask one last favor?" he found himself asking.

"Certainly. What do you wish?" Aura's voice sounded calm and sure. He was grateful that there wasn't a trace of pity in it; that might have unraveled him.

"Can you please put Oriana's journal back for me? I'm … I don't think I'll be ready to look at it again anytime soon, but I'm also not ready to go back in there." The book he'd been looking for originally might have been his favorite, but he was _not_ interested in searching for it again. He'd rather buy a new copy of it and have an extra. It was his favorite book anyway; this way if he lost a copy he'd have a spare. Right. That wasn't cowardly or anything.

Aura didn't answer immediately. He looked up to see her studying him. _Please, don't make me beg. I just … I can't now._ His feelings must have shown on his face, for she nodded after a moment and rose from her chair. "I can do that for you." She put her napkin down on the table and gathered the book to take it back to its rightful place. Fergus managed to eat just a couple more bites of the now-cold porridge and had one more cup of tea before he gave up and started his day.

-0-0-0-

"Not today," Fergus groaned to himself when he thought none of the servants were listening. His hangover had not abated even remotely, even though he forced himself to eat a reasonable lunch. Why, of all days, did he have to receive guests on _this_ day?

At least it was Alistair. They hadn't seen a lot of each other due to rebuilding efforts across the country, but Fergus had become fast friends with the king. He enjoyed the younger man's company and they found common ground in their jokes and their views on how things _should_ be. On any other day, he'd be practically racing to the front gates to welcome the king himself. But today, with his head pounding and his stomach still rebelling, and with the new knowledge he had acquired before his unfortunate encounter with a full bottle of brandy, he just wanted to crawl back into his bed and sleep and try to sort out his grief and anger and try to make some sense of the world.

Alas, things never worked out the way he wanted, it seemed.

One of his guards came through the front door. "His Majesty, King Alistair, and Princess-Consort Alfstanna," the guard called. Fergus thought he successfully hid the wince that the loud shout had produced, and pasted a smile on his face as the royal entourage entered the main hall of Cousland Castle. He met the procession halfway and knelt down on one knee.

"Your Majesty, Your Highness," he said quietly and respectfully.

"Fergus! It's good to see you!" Alistair had put on his 'king' voice, which meant that not only did it carry, it caused the bouncing in Fergus' skull to start up again because of its volume and strength. He managed to avoid wincing as he stood. Alistair got a good look at his face and his expression changed to one of concern. "Are you all right? You look all done in."

Fergus managed to smile just a little. "I'll be all right, Alistair. I'm a little under the weather right now, but I'll be fine. Can I offer you and your men rooms for the night?"

Alistair nodded and smiled. "That would be excellent, Fergus. Thank you."

Fergus nodded to the closest guardsman. "Please show the royal party to their rooms so they can freshen up and relax. Then please let the kitchen staff know that we have guests for dinner." Once the guests exited the main hall, Fergus went to his quarters to collapse for a while. He needed the rest in order to put on a pleasant face at dinner.

-0-0-0-

He waved to the king and future queen as they left the estate. As soon as they were out of sight, his shoulders slumped and he immediately retreated to his study to mull over the events and information of the past few days. After all, he hadn't had time to think about anything between his massive hangover and then Alistair's impromptu visit.

He closed the door to his study and sat heavily behind his desk. He desperately needed to think about everything and what it all _meant._ The more he sorted things out, the angrier he became.

_Oriana was pregnant with our child. If Howe hadn't … if Howe hadn't sent his men in to kill our family, Oren would have a little brother or sister. Oren would have turned ten soon if he was still alive, and the baby would have been two. Mother and Father would have had another grandchild to dote on. _

_Oren would be starting weapons training now if he was still alive._

_My wife and son are … my wife and son, and my second child, are dead. They were killed by that murderous, traitorous bastard Howe. Howe, who told his men to force themselves on my PREGNANT wife. And Loghain sat by and let him do it. He PROMOTED Howe to teyrn for the deed._

_If what Alistair says is true … Why would Alistair lie? He has no reason. And his anger, his sense of betrayal, was so real. Elissa told him that she regretted bringing Loghain to justice? What? _

_WHAT?_

_Elissa told Alistair that she considered letting Loghain live after everything that he allowed to happen. After he rewarded Howe for all the vile acts the man performed! She … what was she THINKING?_

_Has she gone insane?_

_And she's not just sleeping with his son? She's SERIOUS about him? And she's with him, despite everything else, and despite the fact that two Wardens can't have children together?_

_She's throwing the Cousland family name away. For a Howe. For a man who is likely to take her affections and turn them against her and drag what little is left of us down in the process. _

_At least I don't have to worry about a Howe child inheriting the teyrnir. _He snorted. The irony was so thick he could taste it. It was bitter, like bile. Then another thought occurred to him.

_Oh, dear Maker! I have to rebuild the Couslands alone! I … I can't. I … no. Oriana, Oren, I can't … And the other nobles are going to pressure me to remarry. I … no, I'm not ready. I might never be ready. I … I just CAN'T._

_My sister abandoned me. She's sided with the enemy._ This thought propelled him into action. He pulled a sheaf of vellum from his desk drawer and penned a message, then signed it:

_Warden-Commander,_

_Since our last meeting I have had time to consider what we discussed. I remember distinctly that you said that Grey Wardens do not directly hold land or political titles. Would you be so kind, then, as to return the remaining Cousland signet ring? I may have need of it in the future. In addition, if you could kindly inquire of your associates as to the location of the Cousland sword and shield, I would be most grateful. Those items have gone missing from my family treasury, and I would like to see my family's heirlooms restored to their home. Thank you._

_Sincerely,_

_Teyrn Fergus Cousland_

He folded the vellum and lit a candle to melt sealing wax onto the flap. As he dripped the wax onto the vellum, he briefly reconsidered what he was about to do. _No. She abandoned me. I can't have her representing our family when she has left us. _His resolve strengthened, he took off his signet ring and pressed it into the wax. The job done, he took the note in hand to give to Aura. She would make sure it got delivered.


	5. Traveling

_A/N: Elissa's note here first appeared at the very end of Chapter 17 of Interesting Places. There is also reference to a note from my first story in this universe, Choices. That note occurs in Chapter 14 of that work and was a message that Fergus had originally sent Nathaniel._

_As always, these are not necessary to read to understand this story. I'm referencing them here in case you might want to see how the stories are connected. Thank you for reading!_

-0-0-0-

_Teyrn Cousland,_

_As you requested, I have sent the remaining Cousland signet ring with this message. The Cousland family sword and shield were lost during the blight; I kept them as long as possible, but I eventually had to sell them out of necessity to feed my people. I was not able to recover them when I had made enough money to buy them back. You have my most sincere apologies in this matter._

_I would rather have told you this in person, Your Grace, but I understand that the current circumstances will not permit an in-person meeting. I wanted to apologize for my behavior at our last meeting. To lose control of myself and act in anger was unforgivable. _

_Also, please find enclosed a letter you wrote to one of my wardens a few months ago, regarding a bandit attack that you and he had been involved in. He requested that I send this to you so that you could destroy it if you wish. Neither of us wanted you to be embarrassed by its contents. He also wanted me to inform you that he returns all rights and privileges associated with the property mentioned in the letter to you, its rightful owner. He will ensure that his family is apprised of the change in circumstances._

_Sincerely,_

_Elissa,_

_Warden-Commander in Ferelden_

-0-0-0-

Fergus fingered the signet ring as he read the note from his sister. Once he had carefully read the entire document, he looked at the other pages that had been included. The note he had written Nathaniel Howe to thank him for his rescue from bandits was indeed present, along with the map that indicated the property he had given to Nathaniel's family. He folded Elissa's letter and slipped it into his pocket with the signet ring, but left out the letter to Nathaniel and the map.

"I didn't ask for these," he said as he tried to give the papers back to Zevran. The elf shook his head and refused to take them.

"I was asked to deliver the entire contents of that bundle, and that is what I am doing," Zevran said. "I can assure you, the inclusion of those papers was deliberate. The Warden-Commander felt that you would be too honorable to ask for them, but she also wanted to comply with the _spirit_ as well as the letter of your communication to her." For just a split second, Fergus saw anger push through Zevran's expression, then his normal carefree facade was back in place. Fergus reluctantly placed the documents with the others in his pocket before he spoke again.

"I know that your loyalties lie with the Warden-Commander, Zevran," he said quietly. "I imagine that you want to draw your men from here and place them elsewhere, where they will be more useful to you."

Zevran's eyes widened in surprise. He studied Fergus' face intently before he spoke again. When he did, there was a note of something that Fergus couldn't place in his voice that hadn't been there before. "My reasons for placing protection in your house have not changed," he said carefully. "With the amount of danger that has been placed upon your person, I hope you realize that if you tell me to withdraw my men, I will simply place them where you do not see them and find a way to guard you as well as I can without your knowledge?" Zevran shrugged. "I will begin removing my men if you wish, of course. After all, this is your home and your life. However, I would rather you and I remain in communication and I keep my men close to you, as this affords you the best security and makes it easier for me to complete the task I have set for myself."

Fergus found himself nodding slowly at Zevran. "While I have no doubt that you could easily infiltrate this estate without my knowledge, I think I prefer that you keep me informed. Thank you."

Zevran's stance relaxed at this statement; his smile turned less calculated and more genuinely carefree. "Very well, then. Let us speak of more pleasant topics, no? How is Aura working out for you?" They fell to discussing the strengths and weaknesses of not only the men and women working for Zevran in Castle Cousland, but also the castle's defenses. Once business was settled, Zevran left the castle to continue his work and Fergus sat, thinking, while he sat in his armchair by the study's fireplace.

_If you read the writing in her letter, she seemed to still be as angry as we both were when she left the castle. At the very least, I would have expected indifference because of Howe. But they returned the lands that I gave him, and ensured that I would take them. Why? _He frowned as he pondered the question.

_With any other person, I would assume that it was a display of good faith. But Howe … his father was still trying to convince Elissa to allow his other son to court her mere hours before he attacked the castle. What's to say his son won't do the same?_

_Zevran still thinks that Elissa would grieve my loss. Why, then, does she continue to do the one thing that she knows I can not accept? And why would she return Mother's signet ring without a fuss? She's not the type of woman to avoid fighting for something she wants._

Fergus sat and continued thinking long into the night. He never found any answers to his questions.

-0-0-0-

Three weeks later, Fergus packed his last bag and placed it in the doorway for one of the servants to bring downstairs. He mentally reviewed his checklist of things he needed and nodded to himself as he ticked each item off the list. Just as he finished double-checking that he had everything he needed, a knock sounded at the door.

"Enter," he called, and the door opened. Aura stepped inside.

"I'm ready, Fergus," she said quietly. "My bags have gone down to the cart already. Did you need my help in here?"

Fergus shook his head. "No, I'm fine, Aura. Thank you." He looked around the bedroom one last time. He told himself that it was so that he could make sure he remembered everything he needed to bring. The reality, however, was that it was just as much his way of saying goodbye to his home for the next few months. He couldn't decide whether he was relieved to be out of a home that held countless memories of his former life, or if he was saddened that he would be leaving his home for such a long time all at once. And one last small part of him was concerned that by the time he came back, his home would be gone again. The last time he had left Cousland Castle for any significant period, he had returned to the results of Howe's devastation. The realization caused him anger and grief all over again.

_When will the wound stop bleeding? Surely at some point the pain must dull. _He swallowed heavily and shook his head to clear it of painful thoughts and looked at Aura. She took his offered arm and they began to make their way to the front gates of the castle.

"I think, Fer- my lord, that the trip to Denerim will do you some good," she said, her eyes twinkling as they did every time she 'accidentally' slipped and started to call him by name in front of others. "A change of scenery will be nice."

"I suppose it could be worse." Fergus lapsed into silence until they arrived at the front gates. He helped Aura up into the waiting carriage before stepping into the conveyance. Her eyebrows rose in surprise when he settled into the seat next to her instead of sitting across from her, then leaned in and spoke in her ear softly. _At least this charade gives us the ability to exchange private information and furthers the impression that we are intimate all at once. _"The nobles will be parading their daughters about me in an attempt to lure me into marriage. I may require your help to … discourage them."

He felt Aura's laugh as much as he heard it. She smiled and turned her head so that she could respond in the same manner. "I suspected you had ulterior motives for bringing me along. Well, besides the fact that I was coming with you regardless of your wishes in the matter." Her voice sounded teasing, even playful, which caused a surprised laugh to spill forth from Fergus.

"Such a selfless individual you are," he gently teased. He pretended a long-suffering sigh. "I suppose you'll want to go shopping while we're there too? Just to make sure that the marketplace is safe?" This caused Aura to laugh again as he shifted to the opposite seat and knocked on the roof of the carriage to indicate that the driver should start moving.

-0-0-0-

"Welcome to Denerim!" Alistair greeted the carriage personally, going so far as to open the door for Fergus and Aura. "I trust your trip was peaceful?"

The trip to Denerim had, indeed, been uneventful. Fergus had directed his men to navigate the most direct path to Denerim, so they had traveled along the North Road through the arling of Amaranthine. Despite his personal differences with Elissa, he had been impressed with all that she had accomplished since rebuilding of the arling had begun – even in Highever, which hadn't been hit as badly by the blight and its lingering effects, the farms didn't look as full and the bandits hadn't been driven out as effectively as they had been in Elissa's domain. The biggest excitement on the trip to the capital was Fergus' pride for his sister warring with his continued feelings of betrayal at her choice of consort.

Fergus alighted from the carriage before turning and offering a hand to Aura. "It was," he agreed. "Thank you for inviting me to stay with you at the palace, especially with your wedding approaching. I know that right now you must be very busy." He smiled briefly at his friend and then turned his attention back to Aura's progress from the carriage.

"I thought you might not want to stay in a building that was half-razed," Alistair noted. "The darkspawn certainly did a good job of destroying everything in their path when they came through the city. Besides, I should be thanking you. You will be standing with me as witness during the ceremony, after all, and it will be good to have your help navigating the political waters." Alistair suddenly looked nervous. "This is my first Landsmeet as king."

Fergus clapped a hand on Alistair's shoulder, ignoring Alistair's guards as they stiffened around them. "You will be fine," he promised Alistair. "You've already become a hugely popular ruler, and for good reason. I'm only too glad to help you and Eamon get things sorted." He refrained from mentioning that this would also be his first Landsmeet as teyrn, even though he had certainly attended them before and understood how they worked. _Father should be here in my place._ He took a deep breath and tried to let go of the sudden wave of grief before it consumed him on the spot. That wouldn't help matters at all.

"Really? You think so?" Alistair dropped his regal stance and relaxed. He even smiled a little. "I'm glad. Still, it will be good to have your input to add to Eamon's, and Teagan will join us once he arrives in Denerim as well. Between the three of you, we should have a far more accurate picture of where we stand with the Bannorn." Alistair lowered his voice. "_Ser Wolfe_ contacted me and said he would also provide us with information. He was planning on traveling between here and Amaranthine until the Landsmeet drew closer."

"He's been here?" Fergus was surprised at how far Zevran's contacts reached. "I just saw him in Highever about a month ago. I didn't think he would have time to travel this far east."

"I haven't seen him in a while, but he has kept in contact." Alistair's expression turned to one of warning. "Apparently there has been a lot of … activity that we haven't even been aware of. Please, be careful." He indicated Aura with a nod of his head. "If you go out, be sure to take guards with you at all times. They're apparently getting bolder."

Fergus nodded. "I understand completely." He offered his arm to Aura again and they followed Alistair as he led them into the palace and personally showed them to their rooms.


	6. In Denerim

Fergus didn't know for sure when Elissa would arrive in Denerim. She _was_ going to show up, of that he had no doubt, but when would it be? And would she bring Howe with her? He wasn't sure if he would be able to socialize with Elissa frequently during the two months that he was in Denerim before Alistair's wedding, especially if he had to see her lover's face and see them _together_. He tried not to think about it.

The first week in Denerim passed surprisingly quickly. Since Highever was about finished with rebuilding efforts, Fergus had decided to turn his attention and men toward the capital, starting with the Cousland estate in the city. When he and Aura visited the estate the morning after they arrived, Fergus discovered, much to his chagrin, that Alistair had not been exaggerating when he had said that half the building was razed, presumably by the darkspawn. Fortunately, his workmen arrived later that day. They began work almost immediately, inspecting the part of the structure that still stood, drawing up plans with Fergus' input to rebuild, scouting out usable materials and local vendors so that they could start building as soon as the plans were made, and clearing out the rubble that hadn't already been taken for repairing other nearby structures. Fergus found himself heavily involved in this beginning part of the process and also tried to salvage anything that might not have been looted. He found a few pieces of larger furniture, but by and large all the smaller items, paintings, desks and the like had gone missing. Fergus was hardly surprised. However, the Couslands had traditionally kept only those items that they hadn't much cared about in the Denerim estate, so while replacing them meant an additional cash outlay, Fergus hadn't been terribly disturbed to find most of the property had long left the premises.

The second week that Fergus was in Denerim, the social gatherings began. Enough nobles had arrived in the city to compose decently-sized guests lists, and so the invitations began pouring into the palace. Fergus typically attended these functions with Alistair and Alfstanna and managed to properly socialize with the other nobles, despite his complete and utter lack of interest in spending time with people he barely knew. There were a great many new faces at these events in addition to the older ones, and they all wanted to "get to know" the king and the sole teyrn of Ferelden, so Fergus memorized faces and names and shook hands and danced with daughters and sisters and wives and did his best to remain polite, pleasant and neutral. Until he learned the interrelationships between all the players in the political game, he did not wish to commit to any "friendships."

He and Alfstanna helped Alistair navigate the political mire as well, although Alistair was a quick study and already knew not to align himself with any one faction, but rather worked on increasing his popularity with his innate charm and self-deprecating wit. Fergus had already been fast friends with Alistair, but seeing him in the political arena (because "social" events be damned, this was _politics_ at its core) made Fergus realize how good Alistair already was with certain parts of his role as king. He was certainly still learning how to work through trade agreements and international matters as well as planning for national issues, but when it came to getting people to like him? Fergus didn't see that there would be much of a problem for Alistair with most people.

The one thing that Fergus really, really could have done without was the number of nobles almost literally throwing daughters, sisters, and cousins at him in the game of "who can capture the teyrn's interest and better her family's status?" He decided by the third function he attended that he _hated_ that game. He simply wasn't ready to even consider moving on and attempting to start a new relationship. Even if he had been ready, the women he was meeting were frequently barely out of childhood or were single for obvious reasons. He started to feel like he should be checking teeth and feeling ankles, as if the nobles presenting eligible women were horse breeders and he was choosing a breeding mare. Ironically, he supposed that was closest to what he was expected to actually do. He made the mistake of saying this to Alistair once, and whenever he was riding in the carriage back to the palace with the royal couple, he ended up subjected to a series of horrible jokes from Alistair. He was beginning to tire of being asked if he needed to restock on apples and carrots, and whether he should want a new set of grooming implements for a wedding gift.

Thankfully, Fergus was able to fend off all but the worst of the marriage-seekers during the day. When he had to go out into the city, he took Aura with him regardless of his destination. Her presence deterred the "casual" encounters except for a few boorish nobles who ignored Aura's presence completely, treating her like she was lower than dirt. When he stayed in the palace, he was usually in a meeting with Alistair or Eamon or any of a number of assorted nobles to discuss matters of state in preparation for the Landsmeet. Aura, bless her heart, kept watch for noblewomen who would attempt to corner Fergus in the library or study and would interrupt the pushy women so that Fergus didn't have to deal with their pathetic attempts to seduce him.

A few weeks progressed in this manner and Fergus formed an odd sort of routine that became strangely reassuring. No matter what upheavals Ferelden and its occupants had seen over the past few years, politics hadn't changed. The nobles still tried to insinuate themselves into relationships and alliances that would promise for increased opportunities, and a man's worth was measured in this twisted parody of a community by his popularity. Fergus ended each day drained and exhausted, but at least the attention heaped upon him by other nobles reassured him that his family's reputation was still reasonably secure.

Almost three weeks before the wedding, Teagan sent word to the palace that he had arrived in Denerim and was staying at the Redcliffe estate. Alistair and Eamon arranged for a meeting with Fergus and Teagan to discuss succession plans for Ferelden. They wanted to have ideas lined up to reassure the Landsmeet that there would be no repeats of the civil war, when no clear line of succession to the throne had been present and destructive power struggles ensued. The day for the meeting came, and Fergus made his way to Alistair's study where the meeting was to take place.

-0-0-0-

"I plan to give Rainesfere to Perth," Teagan said as he sipped his tea. "He has served Redcliffe and the Guerrins exceptionally well and I think he has the skill to lead. Rainesfere is small enough that he should have no issues being bann there. And, of course, I have pledged to help him make the transition."

"That sounds like a sensible choice, Teagan." Eamon's tone was full of approval. Fergus had to agree; he didn't know the man personally, but Teagan had obviously thought about his choice thoroughly. Besides, in the many years he had known Teagan Guerrin, the words _rash_ and _unwise _never came to mind when people discussed the younger Guerrin brother.

"Now, that takes care of the unattended bann positions; we need to discuss succession of the Crown and the teyrnirs and arlings." Eamon turned to Fergus next. Fergus tensed, sensing the direction the discussion was about to take. He was not disappointed. "Have you yet made plans to remarry, Fergus? You must have met at least a few acceptable candidates to take up the position of teyrna of Highever." Eamon turned to Teagan as well. "And you, brother – I know you're not a fan of marriage, but it becomes more imperative by the day for you to do your part to continue the Guerrin line. You're not a young man any more, and since Connor is no longer an option ..." Eamon's gaze turned inward and he showed an uncharacteristic moment of sadness. "Isolde and I don't want to risk another child at her age. It's too dangerous for her. And the possibility of the child showing signs of magic ..." Eamon looked up at his brother, then Fergus, pleadingly. "Both of you need to marry and produce heirs as soon as possible to ensure the stability among the most powerful noble families in this country."

Fergus sighed and looked at Teagan. Teagan returned his gaze; his face showed the same expression of _I really don't want to do this_ that Fergus was sure he was wearing. Fergus turned to Eamon and spoke next. "I … I don't know if I _can_, Eamon. I understand why you brought this up, and what's at stake, but I just ..." Frustrated, Fergus stood and began pacing the room as he spoke. "I still have dreams about Oriana and Oren. I see her face every time I turn a corner, hear her voice when I'm walking about the castle. I wake up expecting to see my son smiling at me and asking me to play with him. Their memory is still too strong for me to let go of it." His grief and anger colored his voice as he continued speaking. "I can't do it yet. I'm not sure if I ever will be able to remarry. I can't … it's impossible for me to even _think_ about another woman, even after all this time. Surely you understand, Eamon? If it was Isolde, would you be able to move on?" He opened his arms in a gesture of supplication. "I … no, it's too hard. I … I can't." He closed his eyes and tried to calm down – even _thinking_ about the prospect, with no particular person in mind, caused his stomach to churn and his thoughts to skitter about in every direction. He felt like he might be ill from the upset.

Apparently this showed on his face, for all three of the other men were watching him with varied expressions of sympathy. The room itself seemed to hold its breath while Eamon processed what Fergus had said. After a long minute, Eamon broke the silence with a question. "What about your sister?"

Fergus' mood switched from despair to anger. "What about her?" Surely Eamon must have known that Fergus and Elissa weren't speaking to each other. And duty or no, he'd be _damned_ if he let Howe anywhere near the king in terms of succession. Having the man two steps from the throne, even by association, was _never_ going to happen.

Eamon studied Fergus' face before speaking again. When he continued, his voice held more caution. "Do you think she is likely to have any children? Perhaps, if she understood your position ..."

"No." Fergus couldn't listen to any more of this. "I won't put a Howe anywhere near the throne, Eamon. Even if two Wardens _could_ have children together … Just _no_." Alistair shifted in his seat uncomfortably and Fergus started pacing again.

Fergus felt Eamon's eyes on him for quite some time before the elder statesman spoke. "She is a Cousland and as such, she has a duty to perform. When we see her in meeting tomorrow, we need to discuss the possibility of her setting aside the Wardens, and her … association … with Nathaniel, for the sake of her country. She has understood the need before, done what was best for Ferelden, and I am certain she will again."

"Brother ..." Teagan warned, but Fergus interrupted before Teagan could speak more.

"You're welcome to try, Eamon." _I doubt your efforts will do anything; she's as stubborn as a mabari. _Still, he felt a moment of reassurance. _Maybe he will be able to stay calm enough to convince her that this … dalliance … is in nobody's best interest._ _There is simply too much danger to you, Elissa, especially since we don't know the source of these assassination attempts for certain, for you to risk injury from that family. I know you, and you must not understand that I simply _cannot_ do this on my own. Once you understand what this means you will come to your senses. _He began listening to the conversation again to find Teagan asserting that he would marry when he was good and ready. Alistair merely watched the entire exchange quietly with an uncomfortable look on his face. Fergus caught his eye and nodded once. Alistair returned the gesture. _I am glad that you found a good woman, Alistair. She will make a fine queen and she seems to complement you well._ The meeting convened shortly thereafter, each man having said his piece, and Fergus left Alistair's study.

Alfstanna was waiting in the hall. "Fergus," she said, her voice and demeanor amiable yet more formal than he had grown accustomed to from knowing her over the years, "may I speak with you a minute?"

"Certainly, Alfstanna. What did you want to speak about?" She indicated he should follow her, and he did so, walking with her until they reached a room that must have been her sitting room, based on the décor. She closed the door and they both sat before she began.

"Fergus," she said seriously, "I asked Elissa to stand in as our other primary witness for our wedding." She held up a hand as Fergus began to speak, "She told me about you disowning her, and said she would back out if you couldn't stand with her in front of everyone." Alfstanna shifted in her seat and fixed Fergus with an intense stare. "I would very much like to have both of you stand with us at our wedding, however, so I need to know if you can set aside your personal feelings to do us this honor."

"Of _course_ I ..." Fergus' indignation fell away as he went from pure reaction to actual thought on Alfstanna's question. He had to stop and truly consider what it was Alfstanna was asking. She waited patiently, her hands clasped in her lap and her expression serious, while he debated internally.

_I would have to stand in front of everyone and send the message that I accept not only Alfstanna and Alistair, which is no problem, but also that I do so with my sister. Can I show my support for them and also send the message that Elissa and I are united? I believe that we both support Alistair in his choice of bride; Alfstanna is a fine woman and she seems to be good for Alistair. But, can I pretend, even for a little while, that I can stand to be near Elissa? Can I let go of my anger at her choices for long enough? _

Instead of answering her question, he countered with his own. "Have you informed Alistair of this? How does he feel about having Elissa stand as his witness?" The last Fergus had spoken of Elissa with Alistair, the king had been angry with his former lover and had made clear his disapproval of the younger Cousland.

"Alistair knows, yes. And he has agreed to my request." Alfstanna continued to look at Fergus intently. He fought the urge to squirm in his chair as her gaze laid him bare. Alfstanna must have seen this, for her eyes and voice softened. "Nathaniel is a far different man than Rendon was, Fergus. I know you have been to the Black City and back because of Rendon Howe, but Nathaniel is blameless in Rendon's deeds. I have spent time with him and seen him with Elissa. He will not harm her." Alfstanna put a gentle hand over Fergus' and waited for him to speak.

"I … I don't know that I can accept any Howes in my life, Alfstanna. What Rendon did to my family … no person should ever have that happen. _Ever_." Fergus sighed. "I will try to be civil during the wedding and keep our personal grievances out of your day, but that is all I can do. If that doesn't work for you, tell me now."

Alfstanna sat up straight and smiled. "That will work for me, Fergus. I know that you will come through for us. Thank you." She rose from her chair, and Fergus did the same. Fergus retreated to his room to think.

-0-0-0-

He awoke in a blind panic, the room completely dark except for a bit of moonlight that shone in through the window. He didn't know what had awakened him at first, but then he heard the musical lilt, the slight trace of Antiva in her voice as she asked him what was wrong, and joy filled his heart. Before he registered any conscious thought, he had rolled over and pinned her to the bed as he kissed her passionately.

"It was all a terrible dream," he murmured between devouring, drugging kisses. "I dreamt that you had died and that Elissa," he stopped to kiss her again as he slid a hand down to her knee and lifted it so he could rock against her, feel her more fully through their clothing, "Elissa had gone mad, and I was missing you _terribly_, my love ..." He stopped talking and proceeded to kiss her senseless as he rejoiced in her presence.

He felt a gentle hand pushing on his shoulder, firmly but gently disentangling his lips from hers. He humored her by propping himself up on his elbows, although he still rocked his hips against hers gently. "What is it, my love?" He smiled into the darkness.

"Fergus, I … I'm not Oriana." His joy transformed to horror as he realized what had happened and with lightning speed, he released her and rolled off, putting an impressive amount of distance between them. He sat on the opposite side of the bed and put his head in his hands as he groaned.

"Aura, I'm sorry. I … I never … I thought …" Fergus struggled to find the right words, the ones that wouldn't make him look like even more of an ass than he already was. "I would never force myself on you. I'm sorry if I frightened you." He groaned again. "I must have been dreaming of her, and when I awoke ..."

He felt the mattress dip behind him. Aura's arms wrapped around his shoulders, and he could feel her leaning on his back. He put one hand up over her arms, miserably hoping he hadn't frightened her away or, even worse, misled her. "It's all right, Fergus. I was surprised, but ..." He felt as well as heard the soft chuckle. "If it makes you feel any better, when I first woke up your thrashing was _exactly_ like Kristoff's when he would dream of … when he would have a bad dream," she finished lamely. "Until you mentioned your sister, I thought ..." he felt her sigh. "Let us just say that you were not the only one who mistook his roommate for someone else." Fergus squeezed her arms gently in silent agreement.

After a few moments, Aura let go of Fergus and he felt the bed shift again as she pulled the covers back over her prone form. "You should try to sleep. You have a meeting in the morning with the king, yes?" She murmured, her voice sleepy.

"Maybe in a little while, Aura." Fergus stood. He was full of energy and wide awake now; he doubted he would be sleeping at all for the rest of the night. "You sleep. I'm sorry I woke you." He heard her mumble something that sounded like a vague protest, but just a few moments later her breathing slowed and he was sure she fell asleep.

Fergus paced the floor the rest of the night, worrying and fretting over everything. Sleep never did reclaim him that night. When the sun rose, he gave up any thoughts of sleep and cleaned and dressed himself. _Best to get this over with. This meeting with Elissa and Teagan and Alistair is going to happen no matter what._ He looked at himself one last time in the mirror to see a face that looked far older than his thirty years and sighed. He then looked to see Aura sleeping peacefully in the bed and let himself quietly out of his room. _I should eat before the meeting, if I can manage to force anything down._ This was going to be a long day.


	7. Perspective

_A/N: The timing of this chapter coincides with chapter 30 of "Interesting Places," for those of you who want to see the other side of the story. _

_Thank you!_

-0-0-0-

She wasn't paying attention.

Alistair and Eamon called this meeting and invited her, as one of the most respected voices in Ferelden, to come to this meeting so that she could make her voice heard. This was the _real_ Landsmeet, where decisions were made regarding topics addressed and the king heard the most important issues, and planned for how he would steer the larger meeting's discussions. Elissa might have been physically there, and she was even watching people talk somewhat, but Fergus could tell that her mind was not in the room with the others. Her eyes were glassy and she hadn't said more than a couple of sentences the entire time she was there. Fergus _knew_ Elissa would have contributed more than that if she had been paying attention to the discussion. He was very disappointed in his sister and couldn't bring himself to look at her. If he looked at her, he might lose any hope of being professional in his own demeanor.

And why, in the Maker's name, was Zevran there? He wasn't even a Warden, just a friend (albeit an incredibly talented and skilled one) of Elissa's. At least the elven assassin could fill Elissa in later, _if_ she decided to finally show an interest in the honor that Eamon and Alistair had bestowed on her. He cleared his thoughts and returned his own attention to the meeting so that he wouldn't be accused of inattentiveness himself.

"...and if Gallagher Wulff doesn't end up with heirs of his own, or refuses the teyrnir, then we should make either Denerim or Redcliffe the next teyrn of Gwaren. They're the most powerful arlings." Eamon frowned. "Because of me, if I am still alive when Gallagher passes, we'd have to give Denerim first refusal." Teagan started at this, and Fergus felt a sense of alarm as well.

"That would never work, Eamon. You can't put Vaughan in charge of an entire _teyrnir!_" Fergus shuddered. "I've known him all my life. It's better to risk murmurings of nepotism than to put him in charge of the southern banns. The man is a menace!" He sat up a bit straighter. "I will suggest Teagan take over Gwaren if such a thing happens, to ease the rumors."

Eamon and Teagan looked at Fergus, both with worried expressions on their faces. Finally, Eamon nodded. "That might work. It will still be difficult, but it might actually pass the Landsmeet if you suggest it, rather than one of us." He turned to Alistair. "What do you think, Alistair?"

"I think it's better than having all of southern Ferelden move to northern Ferelden," quipped Alistair as he shifted back into his chair. "We'll have to make it work."

"Well, that seems to be settled." Eamon looked at Fergus questioningly then, then pointedly at Elissa, who was _still_ inattentive. If it was possible, her expression had glazed over even more, and she had slouched in her chair. Teagan and Zevran were watching her, both with concerned looks on their faces. Fergus, for his part, stared at Eamon after his quick glance at his sister. _I will not be the one to bring this up. You're on your own, Guerrin. It's your idea._ Eamon raised an eyebrow at Fergus, but he must have read the intent on Fergus' face, for he sighed and barreled on ahead with his idea. He turned to Elissa as he spoke. "Elissa, you need to strongly consider a political alliance of a … permanent nature. Both for your own political status, and for the sake of the Grey Wardens." At this, Teagan shook his head and sighed slowly, and Zevran's head jerked up so fast Fergus thought maybe the elf's neck would snap. Elissa … didn't respond. She _still_ looked lost in thought. Eamon waited for a long minute and the other men started to stare at Elissa.

Finally, Fergus had had enough. "Elissa!" he said sharply, and he saw her blink and shake her head. He looked down in his lap and took a deep breath to try to control himself. When he looked back, she was looking at Eamon as if she had trouble focusing on his face. "I'm sorry. What did I miss?" Fergus raised an eyebrow; her speech sounded slightly slurred.

Eamon patiently repeated himself. He sounded tired. "We need to discuss your relationship with Nathaniel Howe."

Elissa straightened in her chair and took a deep breath. She let it out as she responded. "What do you want to discuss?" Her face didn't give much away, but Fergus recognized the stubborn set of her chin. _There is an argument approaching._

Eamon started to pace, and his expression turned uncomfortable. Fergus could tell that he was trying to approach the subject delicately. "We are aware of the problems that you have been having with some of the nobility. Once your relationship with Nathaniel becomes apparent, you must be aware that your problems will only increase."

"Of course we are aware of that," Elissa responded. _We, and not I? At least you're realistic about that. _She looked exhausted, and Fergus felt a slight pang of sympathy for her until her tone turned acerbic. "Surely you didn't call me here to inform me of that?"

"No. But if public opinion of you sours, so does some of the support for Alistair and Fergus." Eamon stopped pacing and looked directly at Elissa. _Listen to him, Elissa. You don't know what sort of mess you're putting yourself into once everyone learns about you and Howe. _"Bearing that in mind, we feel it might be in your best interests to … associate with someone else."

"No." Elissa's voice suddenly grew strong, and her eyes turned to stone. "I will not. This is not up for discussion. Do what you have to in order to preserve your positions, but I will not do that." She was _definitely_ slurring, and her eyes were glassy … Maker's breath, was she _drunk?_ _Tell me she didn't show up here today DRUNK. _The thought made Fergus' blood boil in anger.

"Be reasonable," Eamon said. "Surely you want -"

"I _want_?" Elissa laughed. It was a sharp, brittle sound that conveyed no humor whatsoever. "What I want hasn't been an option for me since before Fergus left for Ostagar." Fergus flinched, and wanted to speak, but he wasn't able to get more than a grunt out before Elissa kept speaking. "I didn't _want_ to become a Grey Warden. I didn't _want _to lead us through the blight. I didn't _want_ to go against Alistair's wishes and put him on the throne. I didn't _want_ to become the Warden-Commander and an arlessa simultaneously. I've understood the need for each of these things, and hopefully in the long run it will have served some good. I would like to think so. I do my duty, and I hope I do it well, but what I _want_?" She laughed, and the brittle, damaged sound now contained a mocking tone as well. "This, this I _want_. And I will have it, because it does not interfere with my duty. I am _not_ asking for permission or approval. This is my decision and I refuse to change it."

"Your duty is to the throne, Elissa," Fergus growled. _Listen to reason, Elissa. Do you really want to alienate the king? _"You also need to consider your legacy." _Why did you work so hard to make all of this happen, only to throw it away? On HIM? Do you really want your reputation to sink like a rock in a deep lake?_

"No it isn't. My duty is to the Grey Wardens. The Wardens don't care what our last names and histories were; they're not necessary to _fight darkspawn._" Elissa crossed her arms and the stubborn set to her chin looked like it might become permanently part of her face. "My legacy will be what it will be; it's not as if I have to worry about sullying the Cousland name." Fergus flinched at this. He didn't need to look at Alistair or Eamon to note their surprise at the statement. _I suppose I should have mentioned the fact that I'd disowned her. I was hoping that she would back down when she realized how important this was to me. I guess I was wrong._ The thought angered him further.

"Of course you do! You should be helping to continue -" Eamon's eyes were wide and he looked like he had no idea who Elissa was.

"The family line?" Elissa shook her head. "That's not possible, gentlemen." Zevran looked at her with an expression Fergus couldn't decipher, but if he had to guess, it looked like Zevran was trying to silently warn her not to say something. "I am _no longer a Cousland_. I am merely Warden Elissa. Even if I hadn't been disowned," at this, Fergus heard a gasp, "I'd still be _just_ a Grey Warden." She closed her eyes and slumped again in her chair.

Fergus was positive that Elissa was drunk. Her speech was slurred, her face was slightly pale, and even seated she looked like she was having trouble keeping her balance. Her glassy eyes just completed the picture. It was at this moment that everything – his lack of sleep, the misadventure with Aura, the stress of being in the room with his sister – combined with Fergus' disappointment in his sister and made him lose control of his emotions. Fergus became angry, _so_ angry, that he spoke without thinking. He was surprised he managed to stay in his seat; the urge to drag her up to her feet and shake some _sense_ into her was nearly overwhelming. "Then why are you in this meeting?" he gritted through his teeth. _You've certainly not been contributing to this discussion. Go sleep it off. _

Elissa looked at him, and for a moment, all he saw was surprise on her face, then hurt, then resignation before she pulled herself together and masked everything behind a calm front. "I don't know. Zev knows more about Vaughan than I do. I imagine you still want to talk about that." Her glassy eyes failed to focus on Alistair. "If the Landsmeet turns out to be a problem, Nathaniel and I will resign our posts and transfer to another country. We won't jeopardize your position, Alistair, nor that of the Grey Wardens in Ferelden." She rose from her chair and swayed on unsteady feet. "I will wait in the hallway, rather than subject you to my presence. Gentlemen." She walked, _too_ carefully, to the door, and closed it quietly behind her.

Fergus took a deep breath and turned back to the meeting. The other men looked at him with expressions of unease and discomfort. "Let's move on." He knew his voice was still angry and he didn't care. His disbelief at his own sister's disrespect for the entire situation was still fueling his ire. "If we don't keep going, the meeting will never end. Alistair, did you want to talk about the assassination attempts?"

-0-0-0-

An hour later, the meeting was over. The other men all stood and Fergus joined them as he rubbed his forehead in exhaustion. He was completely worn between the emotional turmoil of the morning, the drudgery of the topics they had needed to discuss in the meeting, and his own physical limitations. He realized, not for the first time, that the past few years had aged him considerably.

Teagan stood in front of him and clasped a hand on his shoulder. He spoke quietly. "I know there are problems between the two of you," he stated quietly. "But please, give her a chance. If you want, I can mediate for both of you." Fergus studied Teagan's face; he'd always considered the younger Guerrin a reasonable and sensible man, a good man, and Teagan's open expression and genuine concern shone through as always. "I hate to see your family destroyed when you have been close in the past." Fergus' throat suddenly closed up, but he nodded to show that he heard, and Teagan clapped his shoulder one last time before exiting the study. Zevran accompanied him.

Fergus turned to go, but Eamon stopped him before he could leave the room. Alistair was with him. "Did you really disown Elissa?" Eamon asked, his tone and face full of disbelief. "What _happened?"_

"Rendon Howe destroyed my family," Fergus had found that the lump in his throat had loosened, although his voice sounded hoarse now. "He ordered his men not just to kill every living inhabitant of the castle, but to _rape_ the women and torture the rest, and I found out about that part of it just a few months ago, at the same time that I learned she had taken Nathaniel to her bed." Both of the men in front of him paled. "I can't trust his son not to do the same thing."

"Nathaniel's a decent man," Alistair said. "He cares about her. I've seen it myself."

Fergus raised his eyes to his friend, his king, before he answered. "Rendon was supposed to be my father's best friend, yet he … did all those things. Maker's breath, _he_ raped my mother, in _front_ of my father as he lay dying, before he killed her!" He put his head down and sighed. "We thought he was a decent man underneath the anger. What's to say that his son isn't the same, but puts up a better act?" He rubbed his forehead again. "And she seems to be _all right_ with it all. I … I'm sorry, Alistair. I'm just … I can't talk about it more right now."

"I understand." Alistair's voice was quiet and somber. "Take as long as you need." Just then, there was a minor commotion in the hallway. Alistair stepped away from Fergus and headed toward the door. A moment later, he heard Alistair exclaim, "Maker's breath! What's going on? She's as white as a ghost!"

It was the alarm in Alistair's voice that propelled Fergus' feet to the doorway. He got there just in time to see Elissa's eyes flutter closed as she fell backward. Fortunately, Teagan was right there and already had gotten a hold on Elissa's wrists, so the noble gently lowered her and kept her from cracking her head open on the stone floor. Alistair rushed over to them, and Fergus wasn't far behind.

_This isn't drunkenness. If she had been drunk, she would be starting to show signs of a hangover by now, not getting worse. _Fergus looked down at his sister's face and noted how pale she was. Her face _was_ white, and looked like it was gray around the edges. Even unconscious, she was shivering and her form was instinctively curling in on itself. Fergus' former anger turned completely to guilt as he remembered all the awful things he had thought about her in the meeting just moments before. _I should have realized that something was wrong, or at least _said_ something, asked her if she was all right. Instead, I let my anger rule me._ He felt like a complete jerk and silently berated himself.

Teagan rolled her onto her side and her legs and arms drew in as the shaking increased. "We need to carry her to the carriage," Teagan said, his brow furrowed in concern. "She'll never make it on her own."

"Why not heal her here?" Fergus asked. "Surely the -" a guilty look from Alistair as he shook his head silenced the protest, and Alistair leaned over and picked up Elissa like she was made of feathers.

"I can carry her," he said. "I'm still in reasonable shape. Let's go – the sooner Anders can see to her, the better." He started off, Elissa cradled in his arms, at a fast walk. Fergus had to work to keep up with him. _Seeing him in his role as king, it's easy to forget that he ran around the entire countryside for over a year and fought constantly. _Alistair quickly delivered Elissa to the front gates, where Zevran was waiting with the carriage door open, and gently placed her on one of the benches inside. Zevran and Teagan followed her in and held her in place to keep her from falling, and Alistair signaled the driver to go.

As the horses' hooves clattered on the stone pavement, rapidly decreasing in volume, Alistair turned to Fergus. "She wanted to get out of the palace," he finally explained quietly. He turned to walk back into the palace, and Fergus reluctantly followed him. "She was really upset when Teagan mentioned that there are healers here. I know she's really sick, so she's not entirely logical now, but ..." Alistair's face fell. "She … she thinks we _hate_ her, Fergus. She said that to Teagan."


	8. Self Recriminations

_A/N: The events at the end of this chapter occur immediately after chapter 32 of Interesting Places, for those of you keeping score. Thank you!_

-0-0-0-

Guilt gnawed away at Fergus all through lunch. He kept replaying the meeting in his mind, particularly the parts where he had looked at his sister and had seen drunkenness. Now, however, his memory continually pointed out all the signs of his sister's deteriorating health and he berated himself anew each time he remembered a sign that all was not well.

"Talk to me," Aura said after lunch. "Something has you all in knots." Fergus looked at Aura and saw her concern. He wondered if it showed in his face, or if she had noticed that he hadn't eaten his lunch so much as rearranged it several times on his plate. He suspected it was both; Aura was nothing if not observant.

"Walk with me," he said, and Aura fell into step next to him. They walked in the gardens, and Fergus explained everything that had happened to him with his family, the Howes, and Elissa, ending with his behavior at that morning's meeting. He was surprised to find that the more he spoke, the better he felt. He realized only then that he had never fully explained his situation to anyone – he had certainly divulged bits here and there of his woes, but never had he laid the entirety out to one person from start to finish. Aura listened carefully to all that he said and waited until he was finished to speak.

She turned so him and put a hand on his arm. "We should go to Arl Teagan's estate, then, "she said. "You should visit with your sister and see if she is well enough to talk. If you do not at least try to clear the air with her, you will never heal." Fergus wondered why she sounded like she was speaking from experience, but decided not to ask. Instead, he posed a different question.

"Will you be all right to go with me? I understand that all the Ferelden Wardens are staying with Teagan." Fergus worried for his friend; after all, seeing her dead husband's comrades could prove to be quite difficult for her.

She smiled. "I will be fine, Fergus." She turned so that she was walking abreast of him again. "Just let me get my cloak and we will be off."

-0-0-0-

"How is she?" Fergus dispensed with manners as he swept into the main hallway of the Redcliffe estate. "Has she regained consciousness yet?"

Teagan put both hands on Fergus' shoulders. "Calm yourself, Fergus. She is in good hands, and your upset will only make things worse." He kept his hands on Fergus' shoulders until Fergus took several deep breaths and forced himself to calm down, then nodded. Teagan stepped back and turned to Aura. Fergus was still watching Teagan's face, or he might have missed his friend's eyes widen slightly as he introduced himself to Aura. Now intrigued, he looked at Aura to see her blush slightly as Teagan, all charm and grace, lifted her hand to his lips and pressed a genteel kiss on its back. _That was quick work, even by Teagan's standards._ He knew Teagan had a reputation for charming the ladies, but if the man could fluster _Aura_, he must be good. Fergus didn't think it was possible for Aura to lose her placid demeanor when she was out in public.

Teagan turned back to Fergus as his expression returned to seriousness. "She's very ill, Fergus. It seems she contracted the chicken pox, and she's running an incredible fever. She awoke once for a few minutes, but fell back asleep."

"The _chicken pox_? Surely you can't be serious!" One look at Teagan's face confirmed that, indeed, Fergus had heard correctly. "Can't her healer – Anders, isn't it? - help?"

Teagan shook his head. "No. He fell ill also, and he said he is not able to deal with illnesses the way he can injuries. This has to run its course. In the meantime, the Wardens are taking care of the two of them."

"I'd like to see her." Teagan nodded, so Fergus started to move forward again. He passed Teagan and made his way to the guest wing of the estate, where he saw Oghren and Zevran standing guard outside one of the doors. "Is she in there?" Fergus asked, indicating the room they were guarding.

"She is, but she can't have visitors." Oghren peered up at Fergus through eyes that were surprisingly clear. Fergus surreptitiously scented the air; he was surprised to note that Oghren's ever-present smell of alcohol was there, but not at all as strong as he remembered from their time together in the army. "The kid's takin' care of her, and he said the fewer people in there, the better."

"I was hoping to speak with her." Fergus frowned. "Has she awakened again yet?"

Oghren started to speak, but Zevran put a hand on the dwarf's shoulder. "She has not, to our knowledge, but perhaps you would learn more about her condition if you spoke to Nathaniel, no?" Zevran looked at Fergus, his eyes calculating, almost wary. Fergus didn't need Zevran's unspoken warning to understand that he was not to upset the seemingly tenuous balance of the situation.

He thought for a moment, then sighed. _If this is what needs to happen in order to speak with her, then I will do it._ He nodded to Zevran. "Please, may I?" It rankled him to have to ask permission to speak with Howe, but he tried to swallow his pride.

Zevran nodded at him and entered the room. He left the door open, so Fergus could see Zevran lean over and speak quietly to the dark-haired man sitting by the bed. The man turned his head; it was indeed Nathaniel. Nathaniel made eye contact with Fergus and inclined his head briefly, then turned back to Zevran. More quiet conversation passed between the two men, then Nathaniel stood and walked toward the door while Zevran settled in Nathaniel's old seat.

Once in the hall, Nathaniel walked a small distance from the doorway, then turned around. As Fergus walked to him, he couldn't help but notice the tiredness and worry on the other man's face. Nathaniel's mouth was set into a grim line and his tunic looked damp. He was barefoot.

Nathaniel didn't waste any time on pleasantries. "When she arrived back from the palace, her temperature was dangerously high." He kept his voice low and calm, but his brows furrowed as he spoke. "I was able to lower it somewhat by putting her in a cold bath, but it's rising again." His eyes left Fergus' briefly and looked toward the room as the worry lines in his face creased deeply. The expression on his face held when he looked back to Fergus. "She has not had the chicken pox before?"

Fergus shook his head. "No. I got them before she was born, and she was away when Or... when my son contracted them." _This is not the time to think about what you have lost, Fergus._ It was also surreal to him that he was standing there, conversing civilly with a man he had sworn as his enemy. "Do you know where she and Anders got them from?"

Nathaniel shook his head. "I don't know. Right now, I'm just glad it isn't poison. If it had been …" He took a deep breath and then let it out slowly. "I can't let you go in there. Her health is delicate at the moment, and I worry that if she does wake and becomes agitated ..." His voice dropped off, and he actually looked apologetic. His hand moved forward slightly, but he let it drop without touching Fergus. "Her fever needs to break before she can see visitors, for her own safety. I can arrange for word to be sent to you when she's well enough – where are you staying?"

"Nathaniel!" Zevran's voice hissed out into the hallway before Fergus could answer. "Her fever is up!"

"Excuse me." Nathaniel did not wait for an answer, and instead strode purposefully into the room. Fergus watched him make his way to Elissa's bedside. He felt Elissa's face with his hand then immediately swept her up into his arms and walked quickly to a tub.

_She looks so frail, so helpless. _Fergus stared at the sight of his sister, his own flesh and blood, curled almost into a ball and trembling violently. Nathaniel knelt with her still in his arms and removed the blanket that had been wrapped around her, and Fergus was shocked to see the sheer _quantity_ of scars covering Elissa's back, let alone their age and size. He realized, at that moment, that he was as guilty as most of the country of Ferelden. Instead of seeing Elissa, he had come to think of his own sister as an invincible, unstoppable force of nature, as a super-hero who always made the right decisions and was somehow more than human. The sight of her looking fragile and damaged twisted his insides and caused reality to crash into him with the weight of a boulder, rendering him speechless and physically knocking him off-balance. He put a hand against the wall to steady himself as he inched closer to the doorway, his eyes transfixed on the scene before him.

Nathaniel murmured softly to Elissa as he lifted her again to place her in the tub. He supported her head with one arm as she suddenly thrashed about in the water and spoke to her in soft undertones as he smoothed her brow. Fergus couldn't hear the words that were spoken, but he caught the tone of Nathaniel's voice – calm, reassuring, patient – between Elissa's pained gasps and moans. After several minutes of splashing, she started to settle down and her groaning became less pained. Nathaniel kept speaking to her as he reached behind him and produced a small square of cloth, which he wet in the tub and used to clean Elissa's face.

The groans turned to quiet whimpers, and finally to silence, as Nathaniel stroked Elissa's hair and watched her face. Fergus watched Nathaniel's expression smooth as he held her head above water and kept her safe; the look Nathaniel gave her was full of tenderness and concern. Finally, Nathaniel reached into the tub and lifted her out, wrapping her in a fresh blanket and carrying her over to the bed, where he dried her off with a towel before placing her between the sheets and tucking her in.

Once she was settled, Nathaniel collapsed in a chair that sat by the bed. Fergus didn't get the chance to see his face before he leaned forward with his head in his hands and his shoulders slumped. It was at this time that Zevran came through the door, blankets in hand, and shut it quietly.

"Give her a few days to recover," Zevran murmured. "We will bring word to the castle when her situation changes."

Fergus nodded and left the hall silently. He retraced his steps back to the main hall, where Teagan and Aura still stood. Their conversation broke off as Fergus entered and Aura's eyes widened when she looked at his face. She hurried to Fergus' side and linked her arm in his. He could feel her eyes on him but thankfully, she chose not to speak. He nodded to Teagan in thanks and made his way to the carriage, where he collapsed on one seat while Aura took the other. He maintained his silence the entire ride back to the palace as his thoughts swirled frantically in his head. He attempted to find a new balance in his world, the one that had suddenly and drastically shifted.

-0-0-0-

Five days, three assassination attempts, an impromptu visit from Teagan and a chewing out from Oghren later, Fergus had finally gotten the chance to meet with his sister and talk.

For someone to say that things had not gone well would be a massive understatement.

After the initial awkward silence, their conversation seemed like it was going well. They started to relax a little bit, and they actually started to _talk._ Elissa was gracious, and patient, and understanding; she listened to Fergus and explained that she would never be able to have children, no matter what. She showed him the scar where a sword had run through her abdomen and nearly killed her, so that he would have proof of what she said and would find it easier to believe. She even tried to reassure him, tried to make him understand that out of everyone, _she _would understand if he never was able to remarry and try to have more children.

And then she said one little thing that came out the wrong way, and he just _had_ to jump all over it and make it sound like she was saying he was unimportant, that family was unimportant. He knew when he was attacking what she said that she didn't mean it that way. He _knew _that. But he still couldn't stop himself – the angry, bitter words just poured out of him and he saw the deep hurt in her eyes, saw her draw back as if he had hit her, and he was actually _glad_ that she shut him up before he said something that he'd regret even more.

And then he showed that he just wasn't letting go of old hurts, old anger, and she showed him that she had become wiser than he, even though he was several years her senior.

_"Why him?" Fergus was tired and still too-angry and he just didn't understand. "Why did it have to be the son of the man who destroyed our lives? I don't know if I can ever get past that after learning what happened at the castle." Fergus sighed. "I can not and will not forget that it happened." He sighed again. "How can you see his face and not be reminded of that night every time?"_

_"It did, for a while." Elissa looked at Fergus, her eyes willing him to understand. "But then I realized that if I let Rendon's actions rule me, when he couldn't do anything to me any more, it was then that he would win. After that, I took the time to get to know Nathaniel better and learned that not only is he a good man, we understand each other." She paused for a moment and he struggled to accept what she said. "I love him, Fergus."_

Even with all that, all her acceptance and patience and understanding and wisdom, with the light that shone in her eyes as she declared her feelings for Howe's son, he _still_ had to go and try to force her to choose. He should have known better. He really, really should have, for he knew what the outcome would be. He was correct in this; of _course_ with everything Elissa had been saying and with the ordeal that she had just gone through, during which Nathaniel had reportedly never left her side, she would choose to stay with her lover. After all, Nathaniel apparently had been nothing but supportive and caring, going so far as to personally take care of her when she was dangerously ill, while Fergus insisted on pushing her away.

Why was he punishing himself and his sister? Why would he force her to make a choice she didn't want to make? Was it habit or pride?

_Why?_

He left her bedside and Teagan's estate before he could do any more damage. He waited a full day to try to figure out what in the Black City his problem was, then came to visit Elissa again so that he could try to make amends. He wanted to stop the hurt and pain and try to begin to rebuild a life where his sister would feel that she wasn't being pushed away.

She was gone.


	9. Depression

"Fergus, get up." He rolled over to see Aura looking down at him with her hands planted firmly on her hips and the most serious expression he'd ever seen on her face. "You've been in bed for two days now. Get up and _do_ something." He groaned and rolled back over so that he was facing away from her. "Maker's breath! At least get a bath and some food. You _reek._"

Fergus mumbled into his pillow. "Does it even matter?" He had messed up everything else in his life. It was probably best if everyone just left him alone so he couldn't do any more damage. After all, the Couslands were done. What was another couple of decades when the line was ended anyway? He was sure Alistair would find someone else who was better suited for Highever. All Fergus seemed to do was muck everything up and make people leave. "Leave me alone. I'm tired." He heard Aura make a frustrated noise and walk away. _It's for the best; I don't deserve friends like her. _

A few minutes later, he heard footsteps approaching again. "Aura, just … just _go._ You don't need me around to screw your life up too." He didn't bother to raise his head from the pillow, so he was completely surprised to feel a pair of strong arms grab him by the shoulders and drag him out of bed.

"Get his feet, kid." Through Fergus' shock, he realized that Oghren had gotten him practically in a bear hug. There was another dwarf, much younger by the looks of him, who grabbed Fergus' feet. The determined look in the youth's eyes and his iron grip informed Fergus that struggling was going to be futile, but Fergus tried anyway, twisting and grunting as he tried to break free from the two dwarves. "Good. Ya got some fight still in ya." He heard Oghren's laugh behind his head as he tried to pry thick arms covered in red hair from his chest. "It's too bad you smell worse than me on a bender. Okay, Zevran, we got 'im. Go ahead." Fergus' eyes widened when he saw the elf approach him with a hunting knife in hand and increased his struggles with a burst of new energy.

"Relax, my friend. We do not intend to hurt you." Zevran smiled as he came closer. "But if you struggle too much, we might nick something by accident." Fergus' eyes widened as Zevran leered at him openly and he let his body fall lax. Zevran quickly made work of Fergus' clothing by cutting it off him with the knife, and suddenly cold air hit naked skin just before Fergus was dumped unceremoniously into a tub filled with cold water. He curled up and shivered. "This is entirely your fault, my friend." Zevran grinned as he gathered some soaps and lathered a cloth. "If you had come to the bath when you were called, you would have had hot water."

Through chattering teeth, Fergus replied, "Why are you doing this? Why won't you all _leave me alone?" _He thought briefly about trying to leave the tub, but two incredibly strong dwarves with folded arms standing on either side of the tub deterred him. Besides, even with the cold water, Zevran scrubbing his back with long, strong swipes felt good. He caught a whiff of himself and wrinkled his nose. All right, so he _did _stink something fierce. Maybe a bath wasn't the worst idea ever.

Zevran finished washing his back and came around to face him. "I can continue washing you, if you like." He raised an eyebrow and smiled. "I must say, my friend, that even in cold water your natural gifts are impressive." He looked Fergus over from head to toe, his eyes lingering on one particular spot as his smile widened.

Fergus choked for a moment, then grabbed the cloth and soap from Zevran's hands. "I think I can finish on my own." Zevran chuckled and turned away from the bath, but the dwarves remained.

"Very well, then. When you are done bathing, you will eat. After you eat, we will talk." Zevran's tone left no room for argument. Fergus looked up at Oghren for support, but the red-headed dwarf shook his head and pointed at the tub. With a sigh, Fergus lathered up the cloth some more and continued his bath.

-0-0-0-

Once Fergus was clean and had put on fresh clothing, Aura and the younger dwarf stripped down the bedclothes and sent them to be washed while Zevran and Oghren sat with him and made sure he ate. Fergus stared at his plate for most of the meal, glancing up only occasionally to see both Zevran and Oghren watching him sternly. He didn't fight them. He knew he'd just lose the fight, and he didn't particularly want Oghren shoving food into his mouth. Once he ate to their satisfaction, he sat back and waited for one of them to speak. Zevran started almost immediately.

"You need to snap out of this." Zevran's tone was still uncompromising. "Moping about does nobody any good, least of all yourself. And if you won't do it for yourself, do it so that you stop making Aura crazy."

"Aura doesn't have to stay, Zevran." Fergus studied his hands resting in his lap. "She doesn't need to be dragged down by my stupidity. I'd just say something stupid to her and drive her away too, eventually."

He heard the elf sigh. "Fergus." Fergus looked up, surprised that Zevran would use his first name. "You did not drive your sister away." Zevran ignored Fergus' incredulous glare and turned around to speak to Aura and the young dwarf. Fergus hadn't even realized they were still there. "Aura, Ragnar, could you please excuse us?" They nodded and left the room, closing the door behind them.

Zevran exchanged a look with Oghren, then leaned forward and lowered his voice. "What I am about to tell you is known only by a very few people. It is of the utmost importance that you keep it a secret. To divulge what I tell you here endangers your sister, Nathaniel and possibly Alistair." Fergus nodded to show he understood and Zevran continued. "My people have discovered that Vaughan is behind the assassination attempts."

"All of them?"

"Yes." Zevran inclined his head. "He's a determined son of a bitch, that one. Anyway, he has become increasingly desperate, and as a result more sloppy. But we have not gotten the proof we need to discredit the bastard and get him to the gallows, you see?"

"All right, but what does this have to do with Elissa?" Fergus knew he'd been out of sorts, but he wasn't quite catching on yet to where Zevran was going with all this.

"In due time, my friend, in due time." Zevran took a grape from the leftovers on the table and chewed it thoughtfully before he spoke again. "For each of those failed attempts, we have been largely able to intercept the culprit. There has been documentation of some sort on nearly all the would-be assassins of a contractual nature."

"You mean that they've had false Crow contracts on _each_ attempt?" _Determined, indeed._ Fergus remembered the details that Aura had pointed out to him on the forged contract after she had killed the would-be assassin in his bedroom.

Zevran laughed at this. "Vaughan may be persistent, but he lacks originality." He looked at Fergus, the smile still on his face. "You actually did your sister a great service by asking for the signet ring back. Most of the false contracts have a forged Cousland seal, and he signed Elissa's name to them." At this, Fergus' eyes grew wide. Zevran noticed this. "Yes, exactly. So, we found out that Vaughan was planning some last-ditch attempts this week, and we wanted proof. Specifically, he was going to write a series of contracts this week and try to implicate your sister, then bring them to the Landsmeet to accuse her. We have provided Elissa and Nathaniel with constant supervision so that we can prove she did not order the attempts."

Fergus winced. "They must _love_ that," he said, the sarcasm clear in his voice.

Zevran laughed again. "It is a good thing they understand the need," he agreed. "Unfortunately, as part of ensuring that we send the traitorous bastard to the gallows, we need to keep complete secrecy. Nobody apart from a very limited number of us knows that they are in protective custody, and even fewer of us know where that is."

"When will they be let out?" Fergus couldn't imagine that they would allow themselves to be kept locked away somewhere for long. Elissa, at least, certainly wouldn't stand for it. "And while that will help prove their innocence, how does that prove Vaughan is behind all this?"

"There are plans for stopping Vaughan which do not concern you. Forgive me for not sharing them." Zevran failed to look even remotely apologetic as he said this. "What does concern you is that Nathaniel and Elissa will be at the Landsmeet, and if all goes according to my plan, we should be done with most of this business when it is over. I recommend that you keep Aura and the others in your employ for some time afterward, in case there are any … stragglers."

Fergus' eyes widened. "There are others?"

Zevran nodded. "Most of the others have provided financial assistance only, but I imagine some have nearly bankrupted themselves in this venture. They will be most put out when they find their efforts have been in vain." Zevran smiled one more time and stood from his chair. "I will take my leave of you now. Oghren will stay with you for a time and help keep you busy, yes?" He didn't wait for an answer, instead letting himself out of the room.

Fergus watched Zevran leave, then turned to Oghren. The dwarf had helped himself to some of the leftover cheese and bread and was munching away unconcernedly. After finishing a mouthful of food, Oghren wiped his mouth on his sleeve and leaned back in his chair.

"Ya know," Oghren said conversationally, "when I first met Elissa I was a real mess. And that's sayin' something, considering I'm a mess now. But back then, it was really bad."

Fergus watched Oghren closely. He wasn't fooled by the casual appearance Oghren was wearing. The dwarf had something to say behind the storytelling guise. "You don't say."

Oghren laughed. It was a deep, full, belly laugh, a surprisingly warm sound given the sobriety of Fergus' day up to that point. "Yer all right, Fergus. I always thought so." He broke off another piece of bread and looked around the table for something to go with it as he continued. "You remember when we were in the army together?"

Fergus nodded. "Yes." It had been a surprisingly worry-free time, before the pressures of being a teyrn and cleaning up the mess that his life had become had caught up to him. "We had some good times, didn't we?"

"That we did, son. That we did." Oghren nodded as he took a bite of his bread and chewed thoughtfully. After he swallowed, he said, "Did you know I was married then?"

Fergus frowned. "I don't think I did know that, actually."

Oghren nodded. "I didn't say much about it. Felsi's a good woman, and I never did right by her. She always said I drank too much and didn't spend enough time at home. She had the right of it, I suspect, but I was still too focused on my first wife to pay attention to her. Still catches up with me sometimes." Oghren eyed Fergus. "Everyone else in Orzammar had given up on me after Branka left. I was a mean nughumper who only knew how to drink and start fights. Elissa helped me get back on track, let me feel like I could be useful again even though I was pretty rough on her too. She forgave me for all the stuff I'd done wrong and even helped me find Felsi, gave me another chance to get my life back on track."

Fergus frowned again. "But you said you _were_ married? You're not now?"

Oghren shook his head. "Nah, Felsi kicked me out. Like I said, she was right. I shouldn't have settled down again. I wasn't ready and I kept screwing up. But even though I screwed up again, blew the chance that Elissa'd given me, she took me in again and gave me _another_ chance. She even helps me write letters to my kid." Oghren took another bite and chewed, then swallowed. "If she'd do that for a nasty drunk like me when she didn't even know me, I figure you got nothin' to worry about." Oghren put down his food and stood. "C'mon. You gotta get out of here and I bet you haven't trained in forever. Let's go see what you can do with that dinner plate you call a shield."

-0-0-0-

Fergus dragged himself to his room and found the pleasant surprise of a hot bath and dinner waiting for him. Aura helped him unbuckle his armor and turned around so he could get undressed. She kept herself turned away from him as he lowered himself into the tub with a grateful sigh. Maker, but everything _hurt._ Oghren had pushed him to his limits that day, and then pushed him harder, and he was exhausted, bruised and his muscles were screaming. If Fergus could manage to climb into bed later, he knew he'd sleep like the dead.

"How was your day?" Aura asked as she sat facing away from him and opened a book to read. Fergus soaked for a minute as he responded.

"It was … it was good." Fergus was surprised to find that it was the truth. He felt _much_ better after the day's exercise. "I'm going to be sore tomorrow, though. I don't know how I'm going to train with them again." Oghren had made him promise to spend the day on the training field with him again to help with teaching the other dwarf, Ragnar, proper shield techniques. It seemed the younger dwarf was self-taught and, while talented, the young man had a lot to learn about the most efficient use of the shield.

Aura laughed. "If you wish, I can work some of the knots out of your muscles after you eat." He could just barely see her profile, but he could tell she was smiling.

"That would be good. Thank you." Fergus began bathing and cleaned the day's sweat and grime off his body quickly, then emerged from the tub and dried off. Aura had laid out some clean clothing, so he quickly donned the breeches and tunic as soon as he was dry enough. "I'm decent now," he said, and Aura rose from her chair and moved over to the table.

"They sent dinner up. You must be hungry." She sat and Fergus joined her. Once she lifted the covers off the dishes and the smell of the food hit him, he found he was ravenous. He ate a huge meal and they talked about how they had spent the day; she informed him that she had been drawn into last-minute wedding preparations since he hadn't left the palace, and he talked about training with the force of stone that was a warrior caste dwarf. Once they were finished, Aura had Fergus lie face down on the bed while she massaged out all the sore muscles. Fergus found that contact with another human relaxed him just as much as the massage itself did, and soon he found his mind had gone blissfully blank and his eyes drifted closed.

Aura finished with the massage and Fergus felt her weight lift from the bed. He heard her moving about the room, then the other side of the bed shifted slightly as she sat on the edge and swung her legs under the covers. She settled herself before turning to face him.

"I'm glad you're back, Fergus. I missed you." And with that, Aura turned over so that she was facing away from him. He could hear the smile in her voice as she said, "Good night."

Fergus smiled himself. "Thanks for getting Zevran and Oghren here, Aura." She chuckled a little in response. "Good night, Aura. Sleep well." And with that, his eyes drifted closed and he slept through the night.


	10. Revelations

_A/N: The events in this chapter align with chapters 35 and 36 in Interesting Places, for those of you who are tracking the differences between the stories. This is a major spot where I have decided not to rehash something I wrote in another story; I decided to mention a summary of the events in this story so that you, dear readers, know what is happening, but if you want a play-by-play description of the following events, please feel free to read those chapters of Interesting Places. Since I suspect most of you have already read the other story, I didn't want to make this one boring. Plus, only certain parts of the Landsmeet are really relevant to Fergus' story; the full details of this event were much more important to Elissa. Thanks! _

-0-0-0-

Fergus had never been so nervous his entire life. His wedding day? Maybe a little nervous, but when Oriana had entered the room and the ceremony had begun, everything but her faded away and he had drifted into a very happy place. The first time his father had put him in charge of the Highever guard? He was nervous for that, but Fergus had already worked with the men several times so he knew he was ready. The first time he stepped into Cousland Castle after the blight had ended? That had been _bad._ As in, 'get me out of here before I vomit' bad. This was still worse than all of those things put together.

If he had been able to eat breakfast the morning of this Landsmeet, he supposed he might have actually vomited. Several times. The urge to run screaming from the Landsmeet chamber was practically overwhelming him; he used all of his energy to project a calm image and pretend that nothing was wrong. The feeling increased when Elissa entered the chamber and took her position in front of Amaranthine's banner, which stayed in its traditional place right next to Highever's colors. He couldn't bring himself to look at her, to see her face; he feared that he would _see_ his failure, see condemnation and possibly hatred in her eyes.

_Fergus Cousland, you are a complete and utter coward. _The thought brought a fresh wave of grief to him that nearly knocked him over. He felt distinctly inferior to his father, who he just _knew_ would have handled everything better than he had up to that point. _I wonder if I'll ever be half the man Father was._ He hoped that the Landsmeet would give him the opportunity to try to move toward that ideal. He also hoped that he would figure out a way to look at his sister, let alone _talk_ to her about everything. He quietly took several deep breaths and made a promise to himself that he would talk to Elissa before they all left Denerim to go to their respective homes. He didn't want everything to stay fallen apart for any longer than it already had. With that promise made, he felt a little better and managed to relax enough to pay attention to his surroundings.

Alistair came in not long after with Alfstanna on his arm. The pair looked good together, and Alfstanna looked especially radiant. It seemed that marriage suited the both of them. For that, Fergus was glad. He sighed that their marital bliss meant that Eamon would probably focus on Teagan and him. He looked across the room to where Teagan was standing in front of Redcliffe's banner. Teagan bowed to him with a smile on his face, and the Landsmeet began.

Alistair didn't waste any time, immediately beginning the Landsmeet proper and diving into the political game that the day was to bring. He greeted everyone and began with the matter of Gwaren. Fergus didn't think anyone expected Alistair to offer Gwaren to Elissa, judging from the noise alone when Alistair made the announcement.

Fergus watched as Elissa's eyes widened in shock. _She didn't expect it either._ He wasn't sure about this plan that Alistair and Zevran had concocted, but he played his part even and looked around the upper level to see that Vaughan was the only arl who was unhappy with the development. He looked down at the floor and noticed maybe a half-dozen banns who also lacked enthusiasm for the announcement. _There aren't many of them; that bodes well for both Elissa and Alistair._ He saw Nathaniel and noted the other man's shock and, if he was reading it correctly, displeasure in the turn of events. _Interesting. Perhaps he really isn't interested in political power like Rendon was?_ For even when Bryce Cousland and Rendon Howe had been the absolute best of friends, everyone knew that Rendon craved more political influence and power. If Rendon had been the one standing on the floor below and not his son, he would have climbed the stairs and proposed to Elissa on the spot with a look of glee in his eyes.

Then, Elissa smiled. _So she's made her decision._ Fergus knew that Elissa didin't want an entire teyrnir – she hadn't wanted it _ever_ and with the way she was smiling, Fergus guessed that she was going to turn down the offer. He was correct, and as he glanced down at Nathaniel he noticed that Nathaniel looked relieved that she turned down the teyrnir. This raised his esteem for Rendon's son several notches.

Fergus looked at Alistair to see him smiling as well, and then Alistair asked Elissa to choose the next Teyrn of Gwaren. _Bold move, Alistair. _He watched Elissa's face then. _Who will you choose, Elissa? And why? _Elissa deliberated and quickly announced a set of logical and politically savvy reasons for her decision, then announced Gallagher Wulff. The Landsmeet erupted again into cheering; apparently it was a popular decision amongst the nobles at large. Elissa had just cemented her support within the Ferelden nobility for the foreseeable future. At this, Fergus gave her a respectful, yet reluctant nod. _You made a wise decision, Elissa. You would have made an excellent teyrna._

_Then _the Landsmeet got _really_ interesting. Once the cheering died down enough, Vaughan got Alistair's attention and accused Elissa of treason.

-0-0-0-

Alistair played the assorted nobles like a finely tuned lute. He would whip them up into a frenzy using his words and timing when he needed a spare moment, and he would calm them down to shocked silence when he wanted their attention. Fergus had never seen anything as masterfully done, and he certainly would never have expected the young man who was several years his junior and who was known for his general goofiness to command attention so well or so strongly. Fergus fully understood then why Elissa had chosen Alistair to be the King of Ferelden, despite his young age and total lack of experience when he had been selected. Apparently Alistair really _was_ born to be king, for no amount of studying could replace the tangible and forceful charisma that Alistair exercised fully that day in the Landsmeet. He would ask a question, and Elissa's answer would cause the nobles to gasp; he would comment on "evidence" that Vaughan presented after a lengthy pause and the nobles would collectively gossip and chatter. With each new ripple that Alistair's actions caused in the Landsmeet, Fergus' respect for both his king and the woman who put him there raised another level. He even looked over at Nathaniel, who had joined them on the upper balcony at Alistair's unspoken request, at one point and Nathaniel seemed transfixed by Alistair. Maker's breath, Nathaniel was suppressing a grin at one point!

Fergus never thought he'd see that and agree with it.

Vaughan presented the forged evidence that Zevran had anticipated. Alistair and Elissa neatly picked it apart, with a little help from Fergus who had brought both his parents' signet rings as Zevran instructed. Vaughan then tried to implicate Nathaniel, who Elissa defended by revealing her relationship to the man and stating that they had spent the _entire_ week together, with no breaks and without leaving each others' sight, even for a moment. Fergus noted how Nathaniel offered Elissa silent support, and how she calmed immediately with just the touch of the man's hand on her shoulder, and felt just a twinge of jealousy before he pulled himself together. _They're fighting for their lives here. I should be glad that she's got him, not jealous because of it._ He settled down and looked to the nobles to see their reaction. He was surprised to note that, for the most part, the excited roar that crossed the crowd was not at all displeased. It rather seemed, instead, that Elissa truly could do no wrong. Most of the nobles had the look of excited gossiping and many of them looked up at the newly-announced couple with smiles and nods. That was one worry that unexpectedly flowed away, at least.

Then, Alistair turned the tables. He asked the Landsmeet if anyone had proof of who was actually behind the assassination attempts, and who had actually committed the treason. Vaughan's own servant accused him. Vaughan was unprepared and quickly erupted into fury, berating the elven woman in front of the entire Landsmeet. Alistair had to actually raise his voice to the man. Just as Alistair tried to interview from the woman, his own guard burst through the doors with the evidence that Vaughan had written all those notes and forged the identities of the parties listed in the contracts.

The Landsmeet erupted into uncontrollable chaos. Alistair had played the nobles' emotions so well and for so long that day that there would be no way to control the crowd. They had effectively been whipped into a frenzy. Fergus watched the scene with a small measure of amusement and a much larger amount of amazement when suddenly there was a sharp pain in his shoulder.

"Fergus!" He saw another arrow headed straight for his throat just as he heard the shout. He didn't have time to react, but fortunately Nathaniel was already in motion and practically tackled Fergus to get him out of harm's way. Fergus grimaced as the sharp pain in his shoulder worsened dramatically when he hit the floor.

"Sorry," Nathaniel muttered as he turned Fergus onto his side. "I didn't mean to jostle you so much." He pulled a dagger from his boot and started working on the arrow that had made contact with Fergus' shoulder.

"Considering the circumstances ..." Fergus would have shrugged, but the pain was great enough that he didn't need to remember not to move his shoulder. Besides. Nathaniel had a hand on either side of him and was cutting the shaft of the arrow so he could slide it out of Fergus' shoulder. "Thank you. You saved my life again."

Nathaniel looked at Fergus' face in surprise for a moment, then returned to his task. "Anytime," he said as he slid the arrow out. Fergus hissed. "I have to roll you on your back to get enough pressure on this. Ready?" Fergus gritted his teeth and nodded. He managed to avoid shouting with the pain of his injury when Nathaniel rolled him, instead only allowing a low grunt to escape. Nathaniel shifted and put his hands right over Fergus' shoulder. "I don't think the arrow is poisoned, but let me know if you feel any changes in your health." Fergus nodded to show he understood and kept his teeth clenched to distract himself as much as possible.

Elissa's face came into close view. "Thanks. I can keep pressure on it." Nathaniel leaned back just long enough for Elissa to take over as her brother's nurse. Fergus looked at Elissa's face. She kept her eyes on the wound in Fergus' shoulder as Nathaniel wiped his bloodied hands on expensive-looking breeches. She looked worried, glancing to Fergus' face every few seconds. Fergus assumed she was checking to ensure he stayed awake.

"I'll be all right." He tried to reassure his sister, but he also chose to move a little and the pain was enough to make him slightly dizzy. He said several phrases that were improper for a lady to hear, but he was pleased to see Elissa smile slightly. "Hurts though."

Elissa promised him that they would find him a healer, but that it might take a while. It was understandable, really. Even if there were healers readily available in the Landsmeet (Fergus had seen a mage near the Grand Cleric, but he didn't know if the man could heal or not), the chaos was overwhelming.

The pain and chaos did one thing right that day – they distracted Fergus from his awkwardness and nervousness. He looked up at Elissa and caught her eyes as he said, "Let's talk later."

"All right," she agreed readily enough before searching his face. He tried to tell her with his eyes what he wasn't yet able to say in words – _I want to try_ – and part of it must have gotten through, for her eyes softened a little and the corners of her mouth upturned just ever so slightly, and for the first time in what had become years, Fergus saw a little of the Elissa that he had grown up with and who was his best friend in the whole world. Fergus wasn't able to do more than concentrate on staying calm from the pain at that moment, but if he had been able to, he would have smiled.


	11. Paradigm Shift

_A/N: I know this one is short, sorry. It seems complete, though, so I won't push to make it longer just for the sake of word count. :) The events in this chapter coincide with chapter 37 of Interesting Places if you're interested in seeing the full details of Fergus' conversation with Elissa. Enjoy!_

-0-0-0-

The Landsmeet was still in chaos when Vaughan attacked. Nathaniel had just returned with the mage, a templar and the Grand Cleric, announcing that the mage was a healer, when Fergus noticed his eyes widen and a look of severe alarm cross his face. "ELISSA!" Nathaniel had shouted, then effortlessly pulled a pair of daggers from his boots as he ran forward. Fergus watched him clash with Vaughan, who clearly was aiming for Elissa. Fortunately, Nathaniel had been able to intercept Vaughan before the noble could stab her in the back, but during the scuffle, Vaughan fell over the railing and pulled Nathaniel with him, both falling head-first. It all happened so quickly that it took Fergus a moment to realize that he had, indeed, seen it happen.

_There's no way they could have survived that fall._ Fergus's eyes widened as he thought of the long drop with a stone floor underneath it. He looked to Elissa, then; she was calm. _Too_ calm. Her face had gone completely white and she stared at the spot where Nathaniel had just stood. "No," she breathed, and turned back to Fergus. Her unseeing eyes turned inward and her breathing went shallow. She seemed to freeze in place and the pressure she placed on Fergus' shoulder to slow the bleeding seemed to be the only thing keeping her upright.

The mage and the templar exchanged a look before the mage started to talk to Elissa. "I've got him, Elissa."

There was no response. The mage tried again.

"Elissa, let go."

The mage raised an eyebrow, and the templar tried this time.

"Elissa, it's Greagoir. You have got to let _go._" Fergus rather thought that Greagoir sounded as if he was speaking to a small child.

Finally, the mage put a hand on Elissa's shoulder. This startled her into looking at him. "You can let go now. I will heal him." Elissa blinked, then turned back to where her hands were pressed against Fergus's shoulder as she nodded, but she still didn't move. Her face remained as pale as a Fade spirit and her expression didn't change. The templar and the mage looked at each other again and the mage shrugged.

"Elissa!" the templar barked out. Elissa reacted unconsciously, looking over at the templar. He pulled his gauntlets off and stood before he reached under her arms and lifted her to stand. He murmured something in a gentle voice as she watched him uncomprehendingly, until Fergus heard the word "Nathaniel" pass his lips. The effect was delayed, but suddenly her eyes grew wide and she started to move, walking toward the railing quickly. The templar followed her with his arms outstretched; in Elissa's state even Fergus didn't know what she might do. He released a breath he hadn't realized he was holding when she stopped at the railing and put her hands on it while she looked down. Greagoir relaxed slightly as well, but kept his hands outstretched in case Elissa changed her mind and jumped.

Suddenly, Elissa ran to the steps and slid down the bannister. The templar followed, his armor clanking loudly as he ran to catch up. Greagoir's shoulders, then head, disappeared as he ran down the stairs at a full clip after Elissa.

"Well, then." Fergus' attention redirected to the mage in front of him. "I haven't seen Greagoir run that quickly in years." He half-smiled at Fergus as he lifted his hands from Fergus' shoulder, but it didn't hide the concern in the mage's voice and eyes. "The bleeding has stopped, and I believe I healed the worst of the damage. You may be stiff for a day or two but you should be fine after that."

"Thank you," Fergus said to the mage. He carefully stood and extended a hand for the mage to take, then pulled him up before walking to the rail himself and looking down.

The scene that greeted his eyes was … it was gruesome.

Vaughan had clearly died the minute his body impacted with the floor. His limbs were twisted at unnatural angles to his body and his face was frozen in the same look of fear and horror as when he first went over the rail. A puddle – no, a _lake_ – of blood covered the floor and spread several feet out in all directions from where the body lay, and Elissa was kneeling next to a blond-haired man who was working next to Nathaniel just a couple of feet from Vaughan. They were all soaked in blood. "Maker's breath," Fergus heard himself say. "It's horrible."

He heard the mage next to him shift. "That's Anders. Nathaniel must yet live. I need to go assist him." Fergus didn't take his eyes off the scene below, but he sensed the mage walk away as quickly as he could – the mage looked incredibly old, but he certainly could move when he wanted to – toward the stairs that led to the main floor of the chamber. He saw the blond man (was that Anders? He looked different in normal clothing!) tilt his head back and Elissa pour a vial of something blue down his throat. Then Anders went back to work as Elissa's gaze flickered between him and Nathaniel on the floor. She still looked incredibly pale, and even from that distance Fergus could see the distressed look on her face. He recognized the look as one he had worn not so long ago, and prayed to the Maker that her story would end better than his did.

-0-0-0-

He stood in the doorway and watched her as she tended to Nathaniel. After the shock of the fall had passed, she still somehow stayed calm and her face stayed pale, but her expression changed to worry and fear from the numbness it had shown before. He'd tried to visit to speak with her and see how she was doing, but as far as Fergus could tell, she hadn't left Nathaniel's side for two days. She hadn't left the room and the servants reported that she had barely eaten the entire time. Knowing her as he did, Fergus doubted that she had slept either. Fergus hadn't wanted to disturb her, but with the Landsmeet ending the next day, he had to get back to Highever so that he could run the teyrnir. He was going to have to interrupt her if they were going to talk.

For Elissa's sake, Fergus hoped that Nathaniel would awaken soon. If he didn't … well, Fergus didn't need to be a healer to know that the longer Nathaniel stayed unconscious, the less likely it was that he would ever wake up. And the longer that Nathaniel stayed unconscious, the more wan and listless Elissa became. If Nathaniel didn't awaken soon, Elissa would end up unconscious alongside him.

He fingered the seal on the scroll he carried in his hand. The scroll was the overture, the sign that he was willing to try. He'd written it himself the evening before and gotten Alistair to sign and seal it as well to make it official – hopefully Nathaniel would keep the lands for his nephew this time. If he did, then Fergus knew that both of them would be willing to wait for Fergus to work through everything. Fergus knew that he wasn't fully ready yet to accept everything, but he really wanted to try. He was tired of pushing his only family away and he was tired of being angry. Fergus had seen Nathaniel prove that he was nothing at all like Rendon over the past couple of weeks, and Fergus intended to recognize that as well as he could. He only hoped that his efforts would provide Elissa with some peace as she endured yet another trial in her life, instead of causing her more pain.

Elissa had been holding Nathaniel's hand and talking to him quietly, and now she gently tucked the unconscious man's hand under the blankets. Fergus coughed a little to get her attention and waited for her to acknowledge his presence before he stepped into the room. _This is it. This is when we decide how things will be as we move forward. _He steeled his nerves and his flagging resolve before he entered the room and began one of the more difficult conversations of his life.

-0-0-0-

He finished packing his clothing and turned to Aura. "Are you ready?" he asked as he smiled at her. He felt almost happy since he talked to Elissa; she was willing to wait for Fergus to figure himself out, and then Nathaniel had awakened later that day, which made Elissa happy. Nathaniel also accepted the lands back on behalf of his nephew, which eased Fergus' mind considerably. For such a rough start, the three months he had spent in the capital had ended surprisingly well. He almost didn't mind that he was going back to Castle Cousland, especially since he had a good friend accompanying him. He smiled again at her as she responded.

"I believe I am," she said as she returned the smile. "Shall we?" She linked her arm through Fergus' offered one and they stepped out of the room to say their goodbyes while the servants collected their bags and put them on the waiting carriage.


	12. Acceptance

He approached the front gates of Cousland Castle with no small measure of trepidation. It had been four months since he was last at his ancestral home, and his life had changed dramatically during that time. _He_ had changed dramatically during that time, and he liked to think it was for the better.

Would he revert back to his pre-Denerim self?

Would he let memories and grief swallow him whole? Was he healthy enough emotionally to handle the reminders of his old life without falling victim to them?

Was he strong enough to survive? Or would the weight of generations of Couslands swallow him whole and leave nothing left?

He felt a touch on his arm. He looked down; it was Aura. She gave him an encouraging smile as she said softly, "You can do it." He reflexively offered her his arm and she looped her hand through as she silently lent him some of her strength.

He covered her hand with his as he offered her a tentative smile, then straightened his shoulders and looked forward again. He started walking forward and put determination into his step. _You can do this, Fergus. You HAVE to do it. You can only move forward._ His steps, initially slow, increased in speed to a normal pace and he marched through the gates as if he was heading to war.

-0-0-0-

At first, the memories had nearly overwhelmed him and dragged him back down. He could still see the ghosts in every corner, hear whispers on the wind, and smell old smells of perfume and love from time to time, and each time grief rose up as a tangible force and made it difficult to breathe. Thank the Maker for Aura, who understood and distracted him during those times. She talked with him, helped him understand that the memories would never be gone, but that they were not a malevolent force. Instead, she said, they were to be honored, to be respected, and in time he would greet the ghosts fondly as if they were old friends.

He wasn't so sure about this, but Aura had never been wrong before, so he put his trust in her and prayed to the Maker that the trials would end. It took a few weeks, but he started to grieve less and let go of a little more pain each time. The episodes became just a little less intense and a little shorter.

Then, he had the dream.

_He was standing in a large field that looked very much like the one he would take his family to for picnics. It was spring, and the flowers and trees were in full bloom; the world was green and lush with life. Oriana stood before him as Oren gave him a hug, then ran off to play. "Bye, Father!" Oren said excitedly as he chased after some butterflies. _

_Fergus looked at Oriana. Maker's breath, after all this time she still took his breath away with her beauty and her grace. He stepped toward her slowly and held out his arms; it took but a few steps to meet her halfway and hold her in his arms again. He buried his nose in her hair, felt the softness of her curves through her clothing. "I've missed you so much that I could barely stand it," he murmured into her hair. His breath made her hair move, which in turn tickled his nose._

_Oriana pushed away from him, then, and looked up into his eyes. She traced the lines that had appeared on his face over the past few years and pushed his hair out of his eyes, reminding him that he was long overdue for a haircut. "I love you," she said simply. "And I know you love me. The time we had together was the best part of my life." She smiled at him as he leaned forward to kiss her. When their lips parted from each other, she took his face in her hands. "You need to know, husband, that I am not alone. I have Oren, and Mother, and Father, and all of our other babies. We all worry about you."_

"_Me?" Fergus was surprised. "But I didn't die." His brows furrowed in confusion and he tried to read Oriana's eyes to understand._

"_Physically, no, but you almost lost yourself." Oriana's smile turned bittersweet. "You were never meant for loneliness, and you don't have to be alone. Don't set yourself apart from others for my sake. I want you to be happy."_

"_But ..." Fergus swallowed past the lump in his throat. "I was happy with you. I can't …" He looked down. "I can't see how I can be happy without you. It's too hard and it will never be the same."_

"_It won't be the same, that is true." He looked up with surprise to see her looking at him with eyes full of wisdom. He'd forgotten how well she had grounded him. "Just remember that because you find a different sort of happiness, it doesn't mean that it's any less valuable or important." Oriana stroked his cheek again. "I want you to open your mind and your heart, Fergus. You will find your happiness, but you have to decide to allow it into your life again." She paused to give him a kiss that was so soft, so sweet, that its very innocence made his head spin. He held on to her to keep her close even as she gently removed herself from his embrace and turned him around so that he was facing away from her. "Move forward, my love," she whispered in his ear. "This is what Oren and I wish for you." Her voice faded away as the field grew dark._

He woke up with her name on the tip of his tongue and looked behind him. She wasn't there, of course, but he realized that Aura was in the bed with him still, her back turned to him, fast asleep. The strangest thing was he remembered the entire dream; that didn't normally happen. He would usually remember only bits and pieces of his dreams, not these vivid details that were still with him several minutes after awakening. He watched Aura's form rise and fall slowly with each deep breath she took and a flood of affection crashed over him. "I'm not lonely," he said quietly, and smiled as he he realized that he was speaking the truth. He drifted off to sleep with the smile still on his face.

-0-0-0-

He was working at his desk a few days later when the messages arrived. Aura came into his study with the notes in hand and closed the door behind her. "These were just delivered," she said. "The messenger said they're both from Vigil's Keep. One has the Grey Warden seal and the other has Ser Wolfe's seal."

Fergus was in the middle of balancing the household accounts, and he didn't want to lose his place, so he said, "What do they say?" He heard the breaking of wax and the rustling of vellum being unfolded, followed by silence. He glanced up briefly to see Aura reading one of the messages before returning to his work.

"The one from Ser Wolfe holds good news," she said, and Fergus could hear the smile in her voice. "He believes that the rest of the conspirators have been caught and dealt with. He writes that if you wish, you can keep a few of his people here to help keep track of any future problems. They would, of course, stay in contact with him on a regular basis."

"That is good news," Fergus mused. "Did he specify any people he thought would be good to keep around?"

"No, he said that whoever you wished to keep would be entirely your decision." She fell silent, but this time Fergus felt the discomfort, so he closed the account book and looked up at her. She was looking at the floor with an unusually insecure expression on her face. Fergus thought that perhaps she was trying to tell him something that she thought he might not like to hear.

"What is it?" he asked quietly. "Do you wish to leave?"

Aura looked up then. "No!" She reddened a little as she hastily explained herself. "I've enjoyed working here for you, but I don't need to stay in your room any more. Is it … would it be all right with you if I volunteered to stay? I would be happy to move into my old room to give you your privacy back."

Fergus leaned back in his chair and studied her face for just a moment longer before responding. "I think that's an excellent idea," he said, and smiled as Aura's expression changed to surprise. "I imagine you'd like to have your privacy back as well." His grin widened as her posture and face relaxed and she began to return the smile. "I find that I am in need of someone to take care of the day-to-day running of the household, and I think you would be perfect for the job. Your first duty, if you accept the position, would be to see if any of the other Dark Wolf recruits would also care to volunteer to stay?"

Aura smiled brightly at this. "Consider it done," she said as she grinned. "The rumors will fly even more, you know, especially now that you'll be 'available' again."

Fergus groaned and rolled his eyes even as he laughed. "And thanks to your splendid assistance, the maids will all want to see if the rumors of my supposed prowess are true." Aura joined in his laughter at this and shook her head.

"I'd apologize, but it will be good practice for you to fend off the noblewomen on your own." Fergus groaned again, which only brightened her smile. "Shall I open the second one?"

Fergus waved his hand at her good-naturedly. "Please do." He watched her break the wax seal and open the note. She only read for a moment before she handed the note to Fergus. "This is personal. It's from your sister." He tried to read her expression, which had suddenly begun to show concern. "Do you want me to stay while you read it?"

"Bad news?" Fergus murmured.

"I … I don't know," she said. "I should go move my things to my room. Please, come talk to me after you read that if you feel the need?"

Fergus nodded, suddenly wary of what he was about to read. He excused Aura and waited until she had left the room before he looked down at the note.

_Fergus,_

_I hope that all goes well with you now that you're back in Highever. Vigil's Keep, thankfully, has been running smoothly although I can't take all the credit. That goes to my excellent seneschal Kylon, who has been running the arling in my absence. I can not even begin to describe my relief to have someone with his competence to take care of the minutiae while I am off doing Warden-Commander duties._

_But I didn't write to you to discuss the sterling qualities of my staff, brother. I have far more important news to share with you, news that I wanted you to learn first before anyone else._

_Nathaniel has proposed to me, and I have accepted. We will wed in two months' time in a simple ceremony we plan to hold at Vigil's Keep._

_We would be thrilled if you would come, Fergus. I know that this is asking quite a lot of you, and we will completely understand if you decide not to join us. But I had always hoped … no, better not to write it, for I don't want to pressure you into anything you may not be yet able to handle. Suffice it to say that we would BOTH love for you to come to our wedding and it would complete our day to be able to share it with you._

_Please, take your time deciding what you want to do. We don't want to rush you._

_With love,_

_Elissa_

Fergus sat back and reread the letter. His little sister? Getting married? He knew what she was hoping for – when he had gotten married, she wasn't at majority yet, but his parents and Oriana had allowed her to act as one of the witnesses to his wedding ceremony. She had been incredibly proud to sign alongside Mother and Father's names, and that very day she had made Fergus promise to do the same for her when she got married. She had spoken of it often afterward during the following years, so he knew she hadn't forgotten the promise she'd extracted.

She didn't want to come out and say that she still wished it because she was afraid that Fergus would refuse her. He wasn't sure that she was wrong. _Can I, in good conscience, sign a piece of paper that says I approve of Elissa and Nathaniel being bonded in the eyes of the Maker? I don't know if I can. But I promised, and I always intended to keep that promise. What happens now?_

He sat at his desk and thought about it for the rest of the day and well into the evening, but still hadn't come up with any answers. He was obviously going to have to take some time to figure everything out.

-0-0-0-

Several days later, Fergus found himself still without any answers. He desperately wanted to be present for his sister on the most important day of her life, but he knew he hadn't moved past the fact that her chosen was the son of the man who murdered their family. He _wanted_ to be past it; rationally he knew that Nathaniel was nothing like Rendon, and had seen it with his own eyes. His intellect was still warring with his emotions, however, which were churning with a ferocity that caused his stomach to sour and his sleep to remain unsettled.

He walked the halls one day, debating to himself about the wedding and what he would do. He wasn't paying attention to his path, and nearly bumped into a door. He looked up to see where he was and his eyes widened in shock. He was outside the rooms that he and Oriana and Oren kept when his family was still alive. He hadn't been near those rooms since he had found Oriana's journal.

He paused. His hand was already on the door; he hadn't realized he had nearly walked in without thinking. He removed his hand and began to turn away, but he remembered Oriana's voice from his dream and it stopped him. "Move forward," he murmured as he gathered his courage and slowly grasped the handle to open the door. He let the door fully swing into the room before he stepped inside and looked around.

The room hadn't changed at all since he had lived in it; the bookshelves still occupied the far wall, the bed and chairs were still in the same place. There was even a pile of Oren's old toys in the corner of the room. He crossed the room and knelt as he looked at them. There was a wooden ball there, a toy horse and carriage, and assorted other things a child of seven would want to play with. Fergus picked up a wooden soldier and turned it over in his hands. He remembered how Oren desperately wanted to learn how to use weapons like his father and grandfather, and he smiled at the wooden figurine with the paint worn off in some places and the little wooden sword and shield it held showing several nicks in the edges. Maker, how Oren had enjoyed playing with that one!

He placed the soldier back with the pile of toys and moved to the bookshelf. When Aura had returned Oriana's journal to the room, she had left it on top of the bookcase. Fergus looked at it for a minute, then decided that if there were any answers to be found, maybe they would be in there. He picked up the journal and sat on the edge of the bed as he opened the book and began to read.

Several entries were inconsequential; they talked about daily life in the castle, Oriana's adjustment to living in Ferelden, and life as a teyrn's daughter-in-law. Fergus smiled at some of the memories that her descriptions of daily life evoked. Scenes of Nan scolding him as he would steal snacks from her kitchen, of Oren playing with his toys and begging Elissa to teach him how to use a 'su-word', of Oriana playing with their baby son all flashed before his eyes. He continued smiling even as he brushed the tears from his eyes and read onward.

One entry caught his attention:

_Father said today at dinner that Rendon Howe was sending his oldest son to squire. I have only met Nathaniel once, about a month ago, when he came with his father to visit and offer congratulations on Oren's birth. He is a quiet boy - he seems very gentle and almost painfully shy, but his eyes hold a large measure of intelligence. He studies, rather than looks, at everything he sees. _

_Father and Elissa didn't notice, and Fergus was too caught up in being the proud papa, but Eleanor and I both discussed later how the boy watched Elissa like a hawk. He found her endlessly fascinating and watched her play with Oren, and even though he didn't speak two words to her, Eleanor and I both agreed that we thought he looked smitten. The poor boy probably didn't even realize it himself!_

_Squiring will be good for the boy, I think. Anything that gets him away from Rendon's influence can only be good. I still fail to understand how that man continues to be in Father's good graces; perhaps it is a man thing? I shall hold my own counsel on this as it is not my place, but I do not like the man. I feel that he is insincere in his overtures to Father and Mother, and the way which he treats myself and Elissa! Oh! It's enough to throw me into fits! _

_Still, Father says that the man is his oldest friend, and I shall not stand between them. I will, instead, try to make myself scarce the infrequent times we see him. I think that once Nathaniel is away from his father, he will grow into a fine man. The boy certainly has much potential._

Fergus closed the journal and lay down on the bed as he closed his eyes. He thought about what he had read in the journal, his dream about Oriana, and the events of the time he spent in Denerim. A weight lifted from his chest and a feeling of peace came over him; he knew he had an answer. He sat up and smiled. "It seems I have a wedding to attend," he said, and his smile grew to a grin. "I had better see if Aura wants to go with me." He stood and carefully placed the journal back on the bookshelf. "Thank you, dear wife. I will do my best." He walked out of the room and quietly closed the door, then with a spring in his step, he chose to move forward for the first time in years.

FIN

-0-0-0-

_A/N: While this portion of Fergus' story is complete, I find I have more to say about him. His story changes focus after this, so I have decided to write a sequel to Forgiveness. It is called "Irony" and I will have the first chapter up within the next few days. Thank you all for reading and especially for those of you who have faithfully reviewed as well – without your encouragement this process would be MUCH more difficult and less rewarding. (sends hearts and flowers your way!)_


End file.
